The 5 Stages of Personal Evolution

I recently spoke with a woman in a corporate job and asked her what her vision for her career was. She replied, "To be promoted." When I asked why that was important to her, she said, "Because I need to progress in my career." I probed further, "Why is that important to you?" She hesitated and, with a hint of frustration, said, "Isn't it self-explanatory?"

This exchange reminded me of the 5 Stages of Personal Evolution—the stages people go through in their personal growth and transformation:

The 5 Stages of Personal Evolution

Stage 1: "Cozy Haven"

• Happy within the limits of their comfort zone, unaware there’s a larger world outside it.
• People in this stage are truly satisfied with their lives. They have clear goals, they are making good progress, and they feel happy, proud, confident, and a sense of achievement. Most people in this stage start by following the goals set from birth—learning to walk, speak, get good grades, go to a good school, secure a great job, and keep climbing the ladder. These goals provide direction and purpose.

Stage 2: "Sensing Boundaries"

• Starting to notice hidden yearnings but negotiating with themselves to stay content with what they have.
• People in this stage feel that while their life is good, there could be more. They sometimes sense hidden desires for more or something different and feel the boundaries of their current situation. But they quickly brush them off, often thinking, "I should be grateful for what I have," or "Maybe I’m being too greedy for wanting more."

Stage 3: "Hitting the Wall"

• Strongly wanting to break free but feeling scared and powerless—doubting if it's even possible.
• People in this stage experience a growing sense of dissatisfaction. They want change but are held back by fear of uncertainties and losing what they already have. They make excuses like, "I'm too old for this," or "I don't have the time to try something new," or "I tried, but it didn't work. I don't see how it can be done."
• People in this stage are often the most frustrated and may blame others or situations: "It's a glass ceiling," "It's a bamboo ceiling," "They don't see my potential," "The economy is bad; I can't pursue what I want." They are most angry and in despair but at the same time desperately want help.

Stage 4: "Breaking the Shell"

• Stepping out of the comfort zone but feeling disoriented in a vast, unknown world.
• People in this stage are doing what really matters to them. They know why it’s important and have the courage, but the unknown of what’s going to happen scares them. They often experience mood swings—from fear to pride, from confusion to clarity, from despair to hope. They often describe it as 'scary but fun.'

Stage 5: "New World"

• Feeling transformed, fulfilled, and empowered. They see the world differently, notice others still in earlier stages, and feel inspired to help them.
• People in this stage feel like they’ve entered a new chapter. They’re thriving, see opportunities where they once saw limitations, and often think, "I want to help others on their journey," or "This is the life I was meant to live."

Navigating the Stages: A Non-Linear Journey

These stages are not linear; they are more like a spiral. We each have a different number of cycles we go through in our lives. Sometimes we might go through a few stages at the same time or even return to a previous one.

By knowing where you are in these stages, you can make intentional choices about where to focus your energy and what steps to take next. For instance, if you're in the "Cozy Haven" stage, it might be time to ask deeper self-reflecting questions. If you're "Hitting the Wall," acknowledging it can help you address fears and seek support.

The Risk of Being Forced into Change

Most people are in Stage 2 or later by the time they reach mid-career. When I realized the woman I was talking to was still in Stage 1 despite being in her mid-career, it caught my attention. She hadn’t yet begun to question her goals deeply. Staying in Stage 1 for too long can lead to being pushed out of the comfort zone abruptly, without time to navigate the transition gradually or to avoid completely falling off.

Rushing Through the Stages

This is what rushing through the stages might look like. One of my clients followed the expected path—top schools, great job, marriage, kids. She never questioned the goals she was given until her seemingly perfect life started to unravel. When her marriage ended in a divorce, she felt like she was not lovable. Then, she was laid off from her high-profile job, which crashed her self-confidence, and she felt like she had failed in her career. She looked at her children and realized she wasn't as connected to them as she thought, which made her feel like she had failed as a mother. She was overwhelmed by a mix of guilt, confusion, and fear.

For the first time, she asked herself, "How should I live now? What truly matters to me?" She realized she had spent her life chasing goals that weren’t fully her own. She worked with me, got clarity on what matters to her, and came out of the shell into the new world, moving from Stage 2 to 5 at high speed. Now, in Stage 5, she feels like a different person; she feels confident and energized. She can now see her colleagues who are in earlier stages and wants to help them.

Falling Off the Stages

Another path some people take is what I call 'falling off the stages.' I once knew an executive who went through this. Several months after he was fired, I heard about his situation. Before losing his job, he had already been through a divorce, and his kids had become distant. His entire identity and sense of purpose were tied to his career. So when he lost his job, he felt like he lost everything. Struggling to cope, he turned to alcohol, which eventually affected his health, leaving him isolated and alone.

He was a very smart and capable man, but his story could have been different. If he had paused at any moment to ask himself, "What truly matters to me beyond my job?" he might have been able to navigate these life changes more gracefully and perhaps still be healthy and connected with his family today. Recognizing when you're overly reliant on a single area of life for your sense of purpose can be the difference between falling off and finding a new direction.

Planting Seeds for Thought

That’s why I wanted to plant a seed in the woman’s mind. She could choose to ignore it or think about it later, but even considering it once might make her future transitions easier. So when she answered, "Isn't it self-explanatory?" I said, "No, it's not self-explanatory." She looked at me like I was a weirdo. I hope this seed will sprout someday.

Which Stage Are You In?

What about you? Which stage do you think you’re in? How many cycles of growth have you gone through so far? Reflect on where you stand and consider what might be next for you.

3 Ways to Get Unstuck

Even when you know exactly what you want, it's easy to feel stuck, as if there’s no clear path to get there. It’s like knowing your destination but finding the highway closed, leaving you feeling lost. But there could be other routes—a different highway, a small road, a walking or biking trail. You could take a train, fly, or even sail, depending on the journey.

So, how do you uncover these creative routes to reach your dream?

The Secret to Creativity: Connecting Unlikely Dots

Creativity is about making connections between parts of your brain that usually don’t communicate. When you think about something frequently, the neural pathways associated with that thought become stronger. Conversely, thoughts you seldom entertain weaken, and their connections may even fade away. Your brain becomes efficient at familiar ideas but neglects lesser-used pathways. This can make you efficient in what you do regularly, but it can also stifle creativity. So, how do you reignite those less-traveled pathways and spark new connections?

1. Expose Yourself to the Unfamiliar

A common piece of advice is to expose yourself to new experiences—it’s about generating more diverse thoughts that your brain can connect. You can create these new thoughts by reading books outside your usual genres, meeting people with different backgrounds, or visiting places you’ve never been. This is why many people return from trips to new places feeling refreshed and full of new ideas. However, the downside is that you can’t always control when these “aha” moments will occur. So, how can you intentionally cultivate more serendipity?

2. Intentionally Engage with the Unfamiliar

One key to generating creative ideas for your challenges is to bring intention into expose yourself to the unfamiliar. Make everyday encounters less familiar by observing them as deeply and in as much detail as possible. For example, seeing two people chatting over a cup of coffee might seem ordinary. But if you closely observe their appearance, body language, energy, and how they communicate, the situation can become more intriguing and unfamiliar.

For instance, I once overheard a child ask another, "Do you like this?" It struck me that I didn’t actually know what my stakeholders liked; I was simply assuming. This realization prompted me to directly ask them what they wanted, which led to a solution that took a different, more effective direction.

By broadening your focus beyond the usual suspects, you can break free from your own assumptions and think more creatively.

3. Create Unfamiliar Connections

To go even deeper, push yourself to connect your goal with something seemingly unrelated. This can be a powerful way to spark creativity. Here’s how you can do it:

1. Involve one or two people to brainstorm with you; different perspectives add more value.
2. Choose a random word or theme you rarely consider—like "astronaut."
3. Brainstorm how this theme could influence your idea. For instance, astronauts rely on checklists for every procedure. Perhaps you could create a checklist for your team to align everyone on what's important.

The aim here is to force your brain to make new connections. Ask your kids what's cool—they might say robots, dinosaurs, or fairies. Think about places you’ve never been, like the North Pole, or events you’ve never attended, like a fashion show. These random associations help your brain break free from its usual patterns, making room for creative thinking.

Conclusion: Ignite Your Creative Journey

Creativity isn’t just for artists or entrepreneurs—it’s a crucial skill for anyone looking to innovate, solve complex problems, or move beyond feeling stuck. The more you practice these methods, the more adept you become at connecting unlikely dots and finding new paths forward. Working with a diverse group can further enrich this process, bringing fresh perspectives and sparking more ideas.

Many of my clients initially felt stuck, believing there was no way forward. But they were often surprised by the innovative ideas that emerged when we used these techniques. If you're ready to explore new paths and want some guidance along the way, let's collaborate and make those creative breakthroughs happen faster.

Adapt Your Management Style to Lead Better

When I interview candidates for management roles, I ask them about their management style. If they mention a specific style as "their way" of managing, I usually pass on them. Why? Because you can't manage everyone in the same way. Managing people is like dating—your approach needs to adapt based on the individual to provide the best support for their success and, in turn, the success of the team.

One framework that managers can use as a guide to tailor their management style is the Will vs. Skill framework.

What is the Will vs. Skill Framework?

The Will vs. Skill framework helps managers assess their team members based on two key dimensions:

1. Skill: Their ability, experience, and competence in performing a task.
2. Will: Their motivation, enthusiasm, and commitment to performing a task.

By understanding where each team member stands on these two dimensions, you can better tailor your management approach to support and develop them.

The Four Quadrants:

1. High Skill, High Will: Delegate

These team members are self-driven and capable, so the focus is on delegating tasks and empowering them with autonomy.

2. High Skill, Low Will: Motivate

These individuals have the skills but lack motivation. The key here is to find ways to reignite their passion and engagement.

3. Low Skill, High Will: Teach

Eager to learn but lacking the necessary skills, these team members benefit from coaching, training, and mentorship to grow their capabilities.

4. Low Skill, Low Will: Direct

With low skill and low motivation, these team members require clear guidance, structure, and close supervision to help them move forward.

Why Use This Framework?

The Will vs. Skill framework is a great starting point for new managers as a guide to understanding how to approach different team members. However, it’s just a framework—real-life management involves much more depth and complexity. By paying close attention to your team members’ unique styles, situations, ambitions, goals, and fears, you can support them more effectively, not just in their careers but as whole individuals.

By exploring ways to better support your team, you’re already taking steps toward becoming a great leader. Keep learning, stay curious, and good luck on your leadership journey!

What Do You Do When Everything Is Falling Apart All at Once?

Have you ever felt like nothing is working, no matter how hard you try, and all you want to do is go home and cry? That’s exactly how I felt on my first day of pottery class.

Before that day, things were already building up.

Buildup 1:

I couldn’t run for two years due to health issues. When I finally completed my first 5K and 10K after almost two years of inactivity, I was overjoyed, even though my times were slower than before. The small signs of improvement gave me hope and kept me going. But then, I tried a challenging training program on my Garmin, which pushed me to my limits. After one particularly tough session, I got dizzy, had to lie down, and my legs were so sore that even touching them hurt. It felt like I was speeding down a highway, only to have a sudden blockade force me to slam on the brakes.

Buildup 2:

I was deeply fulfilled by helping people achieve their dreams faster through coaching. Hearing clients say my coaching changed their lives filled me with pride. But a week before my first pottery class, everything seemed to fall apart—no-shows, unexpected conversations, and a canceled collaboration plan left me feeling like I was driving full-speed toward a dead end.

Buildup 3:

I always tell people to have fun in life, so I tried ballet and wood carving this year. I wasn’t good at them, but that didn’t bother me. It was about having fun, not being perfect. But deep down, I felt a sense of shame about how bad I was.

The D-Day:

Then came the first day of pottery class. In class, we were given three clays to create three bowls. The teacher guided me through the first one, which turned out beautifully. The second attempt didn’t go as well; the teacher had to save me from multiple screw-ups. I was determined to do better with the third. Unfortunately, I messed up beyond recovery. The teacher kindly gave me another piece of clay, and I finally created a bowl I was proud of. But when I tried to remove it from the wheel, it was stuck—the base was too thin. By then, others were already cleaning up. I thought I’d be okay with just two pieces, but the teacher handed me yet another piece of clay.

As I sat there, alone, spinning the wheel, everything that had been going wrong hit me like a ton of bricks. My running wasn’t going well, my business felt stagnant, and even my attempts at fun hobbies were turning into failures. Memories of past failures flooded back—comments from coaches and teachers about my lack of progress and their disappointment in me.

My inner voice screamed, “It’s not working. I’m failing.” All I wanted was to go home, hide, and maybe cry.

Aftermath:

It had been a while since I felt that way, but the feelings were all too familiar. I was surprised by how quickly they overwhelmed me, but even more surprising was that this time, I didn’t fall for it. I heard my inner voice, but I didn’t accept it. I knew it wasn’t true. But still, the emotions were powerful, like trying to swim in a storm.

Have you ever felt this way before? If so, how did you manage to get through it? Here are a few strategies that have helped me:

1. Breathe and Acknowledge

Take a deep breath and acknowledge what’s happening. It doesn’t mean you’re a failure or weak—it’s just the emotion you’re feeling right now.

2. Focus on the Story You Want to Tell

Think about the story you want to tell about this moment. Will it be a story of failure, or will it be about your journey to success? I chose the latter and kept telling myself, “It will all work out somehow.” We’ve all had moments when things seemed impossible, but they worked out in the end. I’m reminding myself that this is one of those moments.

3. Go Outside and Get Some Sun

Sometimes, stepping outside into nature and soaking up some sun can change your mood. It boosts serotonin, the happy hormone. It usually works, but this time, it didn’t, so I moved to the next step.

4. Elevate Your Heart Rate

When you’re in fight-or-flight mode but there’s nothing to fight, it’s time to "run away"—literally. Exercise that elevates your heart rate, like running, cycling, or swimming, tricks your brain into thinking you’ve escaped the danger, and it’s okay now.

If you’re struggling with these feelings, coaching can provide the guidance and support you need to navigate tough times and find your way forward. If you’d like to explore how coaching can help you, let’s chat. And if you have other methods that work for you, please share so others can benefit too.

3 Ways to Gain Clarity

Multiple people have shared that it was inspiring to hear how clarity can drastically change someone's life. But many of you have also mentioned that you're not sure how to find that clarity.

Here are 3 ways to get started:

1. Meet Yourself

Most of us are busy thinking, asking, discussing, and reading to find answers—all external sources. But the first place you should look is inside yourself. Treat yourself as another person; listen to your inner voices. Ask yourself what you truly want, what really matters, what you want to avoid, and what scares you. Deep down, you already know the answers to most of these questions—you just haven’t paid attention to the signals.

These internal signals are often drowned out by external noise, including the noise in your own head. To hear them clearly, bring yourself into a calm and grounded state. Meditation, yoga, or even a quiet, uninterrupted moment can help you reach this state. Then, ask yourself these important questions as if you’re talking to someone else. Pay attention to the insights that come to you, as well as the signals your body sends. You may feel tension manifesting as tightness, heat, cold, or even a fluttering sensation like butterflies in your stomach. For instance, a feeling of tightness might indicate a "no."

2. Test Drive

Sometimes, what we imagine we’ll like or dislike changes when we actually try something. Experiment and test things out with yourself. Go do things, even if you think you won’t like them. There’s no need to commit long-term—just give it a try, like when you test drive a car before deciding to buy it or not. You might be surprised at what you discover. For example, I used to hate running, insisting that I preferred walking and hiking. But after giving it a try, running has become one of my favorite hobbies.

This approach can save a lot of time if you struggle with decision-making. Just pick one option and take one step. With these additional data points, you can either keep going with more confidence or turn back and consider other options. Taking a test drive can help you find your path much faster with greater certainty. For instance, if you think your current role isn’t for you and you’re interested in another function, volunteer to help with one project in that area. Experience what it’s like firsthand. You may discover aspects you didn’t know before, which could change your perspective.

3. Hunt for Unknown Unknowns

There are some things you simply don’t know because you don't know about them—these are your "unknown unknowns." For example, there are over 30K distinct job titles in the U.S., but we can usually only name a handful and end up choosing from that limited pool. Expanding your awareness of these unknowns can open up new possibilities you hadn’t considered.

Don’t just focus on the surface, like job titles—dig deeper into their experiences. What’s it really like to live their life? What do they like and dislike? Use the insights you gained from self-reflection to see how well these paths align with your values. For example, if you thrive on social interaction, a solitary, heads-down job might not be fulfilling.

Reach out to people who have interesting careers or experiences, read books or watch movies about different lives, or ask others to introduce you to people who can offer new perspectives. These steps will help you solidify your understanding of who you are and open up more opportunities.

Conclusion

Clarity doesn’t always come quickly, especially if you try to find it alone. However, with guidance, like with a coach, the process can be much faster. By looking inward, experimenting with new experiences, and learning from others, you’ll start to uncover what truly matters to you. So why wait? Start today and see how your vision begins to sharpen.