When Everything Feels Like Too Much: A Gentle Way to Shrink the Fear

I hear from so many people lately that they’re feeling heightened anxiety and stress. They can’t sleep. They wake in the middle of the night worrying. They can’t relax. They stay relentlessly busy, trying anything to avoid the discomfort.

And it makes sense—look at what’s happening around us.

Mass layoffs. A brutally tough job market. DEI departments being dismantled. Federal employees let go without warning. Uncertainty is everywhere.

For high-achieving professionals who’ve worked so hard to build meaningful careers, it can feel especially disorienting.

When the world feels shaky, fear starts to grow louder.

What if I lose my job? What if everything I’ve worked for over the last 10 years was for nothing?

Black Dog

This reminds me of a beautifully illustrated children’s book called Black Dog by Levi Pinfold.

In the story, a family wakes one morning to find a terrifyingly large black dog outside their home. Each family member sees it and becomes more afraid than the last. They hide. They panic. And every time someone looks again, the dog seems even bigger.

But the youngest member of the family—Small Hope—does something different.

She walks outside. She meets the dog. She leads it through tight spaces and playful paths. And with each step, the dog gets smaller. By the time they return home, the massive creature is no longer frightening. It’s just a dog.

It’s a powerful metaphor. Fear grows when we avoid it. It shrinks when we face it.

But here’s the real question: How do we face the fear in our own lives?

Here’s a powerful exercise you can try on your own, especially when you feel overwhelmed:

“If That Happens, Then What?” Exercise

When you feel fear rising, 

1. Name it. Write it down.
2. Then ask: If that happens, then what?
3. Write the answer.
4. And ask again: Then what?
5. Repeat at least five times.

Example:

• I’m scared I won’t get a job I like soon.
• If that happens, then what?
• I might have to take a lower-paying job.
• Then what?
• I might not be able to cover all my expenses.
• Then what?
• I’d have to cut back, ask for help, or use savings.
• Then what?

Most people find that after this exercise, their fear shrinks. Sometimes it even disappears. Try it the next time things feel too big to handle.

At Women Leaders Club, we create space for high-achieving women to do exactly this: To shrink fear. To find clarity. To reconnect with what they truly want and go after it. If this resonates with you, I invite you to join us.

Where Do Your Negative Thoughts Come From?

One of the biggest challenges to achieving what we want is this: what we want and what our brain wants aren’t always the same.

Our brain’s goal is simple—survival. As long as we don’t die, can breathe, and eat, it considers the mission accomplished. But we want more than that. We want to thrive. We want meaning, fulfillment, joy.

And that’s where the inner conflict begins.

Survival First, Then Thriving

Our brain isn’t doing anything wrong—it’s doing something essential. Thriving only becomes possible after survival is secured. Many of the fears and thoughts that hold us back today were developed in childhood to protect us.

For instance, most babies develop separation anxiety around 8 months old—right when they begin to crawl. If they venture too far from caregivers, they might get hurt—or, in the past, attacked by predators. That fear kept them close. It kept them alive.

Many of our current fears operate the same way.

Ever felt scared to leave a job where you’re respected and doing well—even if your heart is pulling you toward something else? That fear makes sense. Your brain registers change as danger and tries to keep you in the known and familiar.

But now? Those once-useful fears might be outdated—and unhelpful.

How Childhood Praise and Criticism Shape Thought Patterns

• If you were constantly praised for being intelligent or accomplished, you might feel pressure to overwork to meet expectations.
• If your parents were critical or dismissive, you may have developed a deep need to prove yourself.
• If you were always a top student, you might now tie your self-worth to titles or achievements.

These early experiences often create invisible roles we carry into adulthood—roles that shape our thoughts, behaviors, and how we relate to others.

Three Childhood Roles That Shape Our Inner Voice

You may recognize yourself in one or more of these roles.

🧠 The Intelligent One

This role often forms in children who discover that being smart or competent brings praise, protection, or safety—especially if they were favorably compared to siblings. To maintain this identity, they grow emotionally distant and overly reliant on intellect, using logic and mastery as shields against vulnerability.

• Typical behaviors: High need to “figure things out,” excessive planning, overthinking, emotional detachment. Hyper-sensitive to danger and criticism.

• Internal belief: “If I’m smart enough, I can stay in control and avoid being hurt.”

• Shadow: Lives with constant self-doubt and fear of being exposed as not truly intelligent. Can come across as cold, cynical, skeptical, or intellectually arrogant.

• Healing task: Reconnect with feelings, allow vulnerability, and realize that worth isn’t dependent on intellect or performance.

💼 The Hardworking One

This role develops in children who learn that love, safety, or recognition comes through relentless effort and responsibility. Often labeled as “the mature one” or “the responsible sibling,” they step in to manage chaos or fill in emotional gaps at home—pushing themselves to meet high expectations, even at the cost of their well-being.

• Typical behaviors: Perfectionism, people-pleasing, overworking, inability to rest, strong inner critic, suppression of emotions to stay productive.

• Internal belief: “If I keep working hard and doing everything right, I’ll finally be safe or loved.”

• Shadow: Prone to burnout, resentment, harsh self-comparisons, and difficulty asking for help. Views their own needs as selfish. Often feels stuck in unfair situations, thinking “why me?”

• Healing task: Learn to rest without guilt, reconnect with play and spontaneity, and value themselves beyond achievement or output.

🛡️ The Survivor

This role forms in children who grow up in environments filled with chaos, neglect, or overwhelming pressure. When survival—emotional or physical—is the priority, achievement often becomes the escape route. These children learn to dissociate, suppress emotion, and stay hyper-alert to danger. Their focus is on minimizing harm and staying in control.

• Typical behaviors: Emotional shutdown, avoidance of attention, hyper-independence, numbness, avoidance of conflict even when it matters.

• Internal belief: “I just need to get through this. No one helps me—I’m on my own.”

• Shadow: Deep loneliness, difficulty trusting others, fear of vulnerability, identity confusion. Alternates between intense control and deep powerlessness. Hates being told what to do.

• Healing task: Rebuild a sense of safety, reconnect with the body and emotions, and allow for the possibility of joy, connection, and thriving—not just survival.

What Roles Do You See in Yourself?

Which role do you recognize in yourself? You might resonate with more than one. 

Can you trace some of your current thoughts or behaviors back to those early roles? How have they shaped your decisions, relationships, or how you show up at work? In what ways did they protect you or help you succeed?

Awareness Is the First Step

Although these patterns were formed to protect us, that doesn’t mean they should run us.

When a self-critical voice shows up,

• I’m not good enough
• I don’t deserve this 
• What if they find out I’m not as good as they think?

Acknowledge it—without judgment.

Then ask:

• Is this really true?
• Is this belief still serving me?

If the answer is no, it may be time to let that thought go. It might’ve helped you once, but if it’s keeping you small, scared, or stuck—it’s time to write a new story.

🧭 In Part 2, we’ll explore how these roles evolve into imposter syndrome masks—and how to shift the behaviors holding you back.

What Do You Do When Everything Is Falling Apart All at Once?

Have you ever felt like nothing is working, no matter how hard you try, and all you want to do is go home and cry? That’s exactly how I felt on my first day of pottery class.

Before that day, things were already building up.

Buildup 1:

I couldn’t run for two years due to health issues. When I finally completed my first 5K and 10K after almost two years of inactivity, I was overjoyed, even though my times were slower than before. The small signs of improvement gave me hope and kept me going. But then, I tried a challenging training program on my Garmin, which pushed me to my limits. After one particularly tough session, I got dizzy, had to lie down, and my legs were so sore that even touching them hurt. It felt like I was speeding down a highway, only to have a sudden blockade force me to slam on the brakes.

Buildup 2:

I was deeply fulfilled by helping people achieve their dreams faster through coaching. Hearing clients say my coaching changed their lives filled me with pride. But a week before my first pottery class, everything seemed to fall apart—no-shows, unexpected conversations, and a canceled collaboration plan left me feeling like I was driving full-speed toward a dead end.

Buildup 3:

I always tell people to have fun in life, so I tried ballet and wood carving this year. I wasn’t good at them, but that didn’t bother me. It was about having fun, not being perfect. But deep down, I felt a sense of shame about how bad I was.

The D-Day:

Then came the first day of pottery class. In class, we were given three clays to create three bowls. The teacher guided me through the first one, which turned out beautifully. The second attempt didn’t go as well; the teacher had to save me from multiple screw-ups. I was determined to do better with the third. Unfortunately, I messed up beyond recovery. The teacher kindly gave me another piece of clay, and I finally created a bowl I was proud of. But when I tried to remove it from the wheel, it was stuck—the base was too thin. By then, others were already cleaning up. I thought I’d be okay with just two pieces, but the teacher handed me yet another piece of clay.

As I sat there, alone, spinning the wheel, everything that had been going wrong hit me like a ton of bricks. My running wasn’t going well, my business felt stagnant, and even my attempts at fun hobbies were turning into failures. Memories of past failures flooded back—comments from coaches and teachers about my lack of progress and their disappointment in me.

My inner voice screamed, “It’s not working. I’m failing.” All I wanted was to go home, hide, and maybe cry.

Aftermath:

It had been a while since I felt that way, but the feelings were all too familiar. I was surprised by how quickly they overwhelmed me, but even more surprising was that this time, I didn’t fall for it. I heard my inner voice, but I didn’t accept it. I knew it wasn’t true. But still, the emotions were powerful, like trying to swim in a storm.

Have you ever felt this way before? If so, how did you manage to get through it? Here are a few strategies that have helped me:

1. Breathe and Acknowledge

Take a deep breath and acknowledge what’s happening. It doesn’t mean you’re a failure or weak—it’s just the emotion you’re feeling right now.

2. Focus on the Story You Want to Tell

Think about the story you want to tell about this moment. Will it be a story of failure, or will it be about your journey to success? I chose the latter and kept telling myself, “It will all work out somehow.” We’ve all had moments when things seemed impossible, but they worked out in the end. I’m reminding myself that this is one of those moments.

3. Go Outside and Get Some Sun

Sometimes, stepping outside into nature and soaking up some sun can change your mood. It boosts serotonin, the happy hormone. It usually works, but this time, it didn’t, so I moved to the next step.

4. Elevate Your Heart Rate

When you’re in fight-or-flight mode but there’s nothing to fight, it’s time to "run away"—literally. Exercise that elevates your heart rate, like running, cycling, or swimming, tricks your brain into thinking you’ve escaped the danger, and it’s okay now.

If you’re struggling with these feelings, coaching can provide the guidance and support you need to navigate tough times and find your way forward. If you’d like to explore how coaching can help you, let’s chat. And if you have other methods that work for you, please share so others can benefit too.

The Power of Clarity to Transform

Ever felt like something was missing despite your success? I'd like to share a life-changing story of one of my clients. 

She worked for a big tech company and was successful but felt something was missing. She decided to take some time off and hired me as her life coach. Through this process, she discovered her core values and what truly mattered in her life. While she had always sensed these values, they had never been clear. She had a tendency to be a perfectionist and a people pleaser, often struggling to say no and over-volunteering even when her manager said she didn’t have to.

Now, with a clear understanding of her values, she’s starting to say no to things she used to agree to. It’s challenging, but she has the courage to do it because her values are so important to her. Doing what’s truly important to her has made others' opinions less significant. This newfound confidence has allowed her to be more authentic, leading to greater respect from her peers. People now acknowledge and respect her boundaries without her needing to say a word.

She’s also become more aware of how different people affect her energy. She keeps her distance from those who drain her and enjoys a calmer state of mind.

Her life is now completely transformed. She used to wonder, "Who am I without my job title?" Now, she feels like she's finally at her home base. I'm incredibly proud of her and honored to be part of her journey of hatching out of an eggshell into a new world.

Who are you without your job title? If you find this question difficult to answer, try a life coach and discover the clarity and transformation waiting for you.

What would I do if I could do anything?

We sometimes put ourselves into an extreme scarcity mindset, thinking, "I have to make this happen, otherwise my life is doomed". It's a hard place to be, feeling like we are walking on a high, swinging bridge without a safety net. This mindset makes us obsessed over the log we stand on, the next one, and the gaps between, constantly worrying about the consequences of a misstep.

A few weeks ago, my son mentioned he was planning to upgrade his 3d printer. It wasn't the best option, but it was the only option he thought he could afford. I asked him, "If I could help you with some money, what other options will you consider?" At first, he insisted there were no other options, then he came up with two more possibilities. It turns out these were much better than the original option and the additional money required was way less than he thought.

I seized the moment to point out what had just happened. When you remove your limit and allow yourself to think bigger, suddenly more and often better options appear.

When we are in scarcity mode, we suffer from tunnel vision and often miss the obvious, much better options that lie just outside of our narrow view. This fear can lead us to make poorer decisions, like compromising our values.

The situation itself didn't change, but our mindset did. And with that shift, life could become more relaxed and enjoyable.

What's one thing you feel a sense of scarcity, believing that there's only one way forward? What if you asked yourself this question instead: "What would I do if I could do anything?"

Where Do You Feel Your Inner Guide?

I recently had a conversation with a fellow coach and shared how it often feels like there's another being in my guts dictating my path. Whenever I face a choice between an easy path and a difficult one, I instinctively lean towards the easier option. Yet, sometimes, my gut strongly objects, steering me towards the more challenging route. Over time, I've learned to trust this internal guide. Ignoring it only leads to discomfort and a persistent sense of unease until I align with its direction.

My friend, however, embraces the difficult path by choice. She avoids the easier routes because they don't offer the sense of achievement she seeks.

In life coaching, we use centering exercises to heighten our awareness of the body's signals. Interestingly, where we sense these signals can vary—some feel it in their heart, others in their gut like me, or in their head.

Where do you feel your body's signal? If you're unsure, engaging in grounding exercises like mindfulness meditation can enhance your sensitivity. Your body has the answers; life coaching is simply the process of uncovering them.

Are You Still Jumping to the Lid's Height, Even When It's Gone?

Life changes, and sometimes we forget the things that used to make us happy. A client of mine told me she used to love music and traveling. But then COVID hit, she had some travel limits because of her immigration status, and she got pregnant. Now, years later, she can travel again, but she hadn't. She realized that she simply forgot!

I had a similar experience. I used to go to operas or musicals almost every other month. But then I had a baby, got busy, and forgot about it for over a decade. Recently, I thought, "I want to have fun again," and remembered how much I loved those performances. My son is old enough and I can definitely go to performances, but I forgot!

This reminds me of a story about a flea in a clear container. The flea learns to jump only as high as the lid. Even when the lid is removed, it still jumps only to the lid's height. I used to think fleas were stupid for doing this. But aren't we doing the same thing?

Let's pause and look back. What did you enjoy before that you don't do anymore? What's new in your life that wasn't there before? Check if the lid is still there. Realizing that the lid is gone can set you free and help you find those forgotten joys again.

Have You Ever Fallen Into an Emotional Manhole?

 This is an analogy I learned from a mindfulness meditation class many years ago.

Imagine you are walking down the street and there is a huge manhole without a lid. People with the first level of awareness don't notice the manhole and fall into it. They suddenly realize everything is dark, smelly, their body hurts, and they can't balance very well. But they don't even know what is happening or why.

People with the second level of awareness see the manhole and want to avoid it, but still fall into it. Maybe they noticed too late, or maybe they still don't know how to avoid it. They at least know what's happening and why, but it's still dark, smelly, and painful.

People with the third level of awareness see the manhole and walk around it.

Which level are you at?

I find myself in the second level often. Recently, I experienced it again. I felt like nothing was working, and it became more serious, turning into, "I'm failing at everything."

I knew that wasn't true. I was trying a lot of things; some would work out, and some would fail, and that's okay. Even for the things that will work out, there are ups and downs. But knowing it (seeing the manhole) didn't prevent me from falling in. I felt very unmotivated, low in energy, and all sorts of negative thoughts came up constantly. It's like being in the manhole, dark, smelly, and painful. I also felt a little angry. If I see it, why couldn't I avoid it?

Then I realized, I haven't mastered how to walk around it yet. So sometimes I could avoid falling in, and sometimes I couldn't. And I haven't mastered how to come out quickly once I fall in.

This time, instead of hurrying to get out, I accepted that I fell in and gave myself time to pull myself together. I allowed my free associations to come and go freely, just observed. And once in a while, I acknowledged them, "Ah... there are parts of me feeling this way..."

It felt like I was practicing at a martial arts dojo. I know what to do, but when I try, I do something else. I know I'll get better, and one day I'll master it, but every time I do something else, it hurts - mentally and physically.

Some messages out there make it sound like things will happen easily. "Just do this, and it'll be all better." But the truth is, it takes practice to master, and the practice process may be painful.

How about you? Have you experienced your own "manhole moments"? How do you navigate them?

Why People May Envy You

 I recently met another coach, and we shared our life stories. I talked about being goal-oriented and how it sometimes made me feel like I was missing out on important things in life. She, on the other hand, shared that she's always been relationship-oriented, never really focusing on goals, and sometimes feels like she could have achieved more if she were more goal-oriented.

We both realized we were envious of each other's characteristics.

It's funny, isn't it? I'm so critical of my own traits, wishing to be more like others, while they might be admiring those very characteristics in me and wishing to be more like me.

We humans are wired to compare ourselves to others. It has its positives – it drives us to work harder and improve our lives. But at some point, it does more harm than good because we can't be like everyone we admire.

What are the characteristics you criticize in yourself that others might admire and wish to emulate?

Uncovering the Roots of Guilt and Anger: The Power of Ideal Roles

One of the biggest sources of guilt and anger is tied to the ideal roles we envision for ourselves. Whether it's as a mother, daughter, sister, friend, or any other role, we often have a picture in our head of how we should be. For me, part of being an ideal mother was ensuring my kids ate healthy meals. Yet, for nearly two years, I started my work meetings at 6 am. My son would wake up at 7 am, have cereal by himself, and head to school alone.

On one hand, I told myself he's old enough and becoming independent. But on the other hand, I felt guilty. When I talked to some friends, most of them resonated with my feelings. However, one friend asked, "Why feel bad about it? Doesn't everyone do that? My son does it all the time."

The guilt stems from our ideal role image. I felt guilty because I was violating my own ideal image of motherhood. But my friend didn't share that ideal, so she felt no guilt.

When you feel guilty about something, consider the ideal role you've imagined for yourself. Question its origins and its validity. Was it true centuries ago? Will it be true centuries from now? Is it true in other cultures?

If you're angry at someone, ask yourself: Do you like them, or do you just like them fulfilling your ideal role? Often, we say we're angry because we love them, but in reality, we're angry because they're not living up to the role we've envisioned.

One client of mine had an ideal role for her brother: he should care for their parents and put in as much effort as she did. When she felt he didn't, she became furious. Another client had an ideal role for her sister: they should be best friends. When her sister didn't want to talk to her, she felt angry at both her sister and herself.

Challenge yourself when you feel guilt or anger. What ideal role is causing these emotions? Is it helping you, or holding you back? And what will you do about it?