Showing posts with label Self Limiting Thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Self Limiting Thoughts. Show all posts

Tuesday, March 31, 2026

You Already Know What to Do. The Problem Is Your Environment.

She came to our coaching session frustrated.

Not because she lacked ambition. She had plenty of that. She had a clear picture of where she wanted to go: leading strategy, driving vision, managing people and projects at a higher level. She knew exactly what kind of leader she wanted to be.

The problem was her calendar.

Week after week, it filled up with execution. Detailed, urgent, necessary work. And because she was good at it, more kept coming. By the time Friday rolled around, she'd already worked through the weekend once or twice that month. The high-level thinking she wanted to do? It sat on the back burner. Again.

"I know I need to change this," she told me. "I know what I should be doing differently. I just can't seem to make it happen."


The Real Problem Isn't Information

Here's what I want you to hear: she didn't need more advice.

She already had the roadmap. She'd read the books, listened to the podcasts, talked it through in coaching. She knew she needed to protect her time, delegate more, create space for strategic thinking. She knew it all.

And she was still stuck.

This is one of the most common and most misunderstood traps I see accomplished professionals fall into. We assume that if we know what to do, we'll eventually do it. That knowledge will translate into change if we just remind ourselves often enough.

But it doesn't work that way. Knowledge doesn't change behavior. Environment does.


The Antarctica Problem

Think of it this way. You can absolutely grow a flower garden in Antarctica. The knowledge of how to grow flowers is the same anywhere in the world. But the environment works against you at every turn. The cold, the darkness, the frozen ground. Every step requires enormous effort. Most people give up, not because they don't know how to garden, but because the conditions make it brutally hard.

Now imagine that same gardener in a warm climate with rich soil and plenty of sun. Suddenly, the same actions produce results. The work feels possible. Progress happens.

This is the difference between knowing what to do and being set up to actually do it.

When we struggle to act on what we know, we tend to blame ourselves. Our discipline, our priorities, our willpower. But often the real issue is that nothing in our environment is making the right action easy. And everything in it is making the old patterns effortless.

The shift happens when you stop asking, "Why can't I make myself do this?" and start asking, "What would make this easier to do?"


Start With the Loudest Voice in the Room

Before you can change your environment, you need to understand what's actually stopping you.

And most of the time, it's not logistics. It's a voice.

When you think about doing the thing you say you want to do, whether that's blocking time for strategic work, saying no to a task that isn't yours, or asking for a different kind of role, pay attention to what happens inside. There's usually a loud, immediate reaction. A thought that rushes in before you've even made a decision.

If I don't handle this, it won't get done right. I can't afford to take my foot off the gas right now. This isn't the right time. I'll do it after this project.

Those voices feel like truth. They feel urgent. They feel like they're protecting you from something.

And here's the thing: they probably are.


The Voices Were Built to Help You

I want to share something personal here.

When I was in my PhD program, everyone in my lab took a three-day ski trip. Everyone. And I didn't go.

Even then, in the moment, I knew that three days away would not derail my degree. Intellectually, I knew that. But the fear from the thought was so real, so immediate, that I stayed. I told myself I had too much to do. That I couldn't afford to fall behind. That people who succeed don't take breaks like that.

Those voices had been with me since I was a child. I had learned early that saying no to fun and yes to work was how you achieved things. How you got into a good school. How you earned the opportunities you wanted. And it worked. Those thoughts helped me accomplish real goals.

The problem is that I never went back and reviewed them.

I carried them into adulthood without questioning whether they still fit. And I operated by them automatically, the way you follow a habit you formed years ago without ever stopping to ask whether it's still serving you.

This is what most high achievers are doing. Not because they're unaware or unexamined. But because those patterns formed when you were younger and less powerful. They helped you then. And they've never been officially retired.


What to Do With the Voices

You don't have to fight them. You don't have to prove them wrong. You just have to see them clearly.

Start here.

Write down the voices you hear most often. The ones that come up when you're about to do something different, something that moves toward the leader you want to be. Don't filter. Just list them.

Notice when they arrive. Are they loudest on Sunday nights? When your manager sends a last-minute request? When you're about to decline a task? The pattern matters.

Ask what dream is paying the price. What are you not doing, not building, not becoming, because these voices keep redirecting you? Name it specifically. The more concrete, the better.

Ask whether the voice is still true. Not whether it was ever true. Not whether it made sense once. But whether it's accurate now, given who you are and what you're actually capable of.

Most of the time, when you look directly at the voice, it loses some of its power. Not all of it. But enough.


Then Build the Environment

Once you understand what's been holding the pattern in place, you can start making small, practical shifts in your environment that make the right actions easier.

This doesn't have to be dramatic.

It might mean blocking ninety minutes on Thursday mornings and treating it as non-negotiable as a client meeting. It might mean putting one strategic project on your weekly agenda before the reactive tasks get listed. It might mean naming one thing you will stop doing this month, so something else can begin.

Small things. Repeated. They create more room. And more room creates more possibility.

You are not trying to overhaul everything at once. You are trying to make the garden slightly warmer. Slightly more hospitable. So that what you already know can finally take root.


You Don't Have to Figure This Out Alone

If you're reading this and you're not sure which voice is the loudest, or you can't quite name the pattern that's keeping you stuck, that's a signal worth paying attention to.

The work of identifying these patterns is often clearer with support. Someone who can reflect back what you're describing and help you see it from the outside.

If you want a space where you can do this work alongside other accomplished women who are navigating the same territory, we are addressing exactly this in the Women Leaders Club in April 2026. You don't have to keep circling the same spot alone.


You already know what you want. You've known for a while.

The question was never whether you have the information. The question is whether your environment is built to support you, and whether the voices running in the background are ones you actually still believe.

Real strength is not just knowing the way. It's building the conditions that make it possible to walk it.

Thursday, July 17, 2025

Silence the Noise: 4 Quick-Access Tools for Negative Thoughts

Have you ever felt a surge of excitement about an opportunity, only to have sudden self-doubt creep in right before you raise your hand? You tell yourself to wait, to think it over, and before you know it, the moment's passed. I've been there, and I've lost countless opportunities because I didn't recognize those negative thoughts for what they were, just thoughts, and instead, let them stop me in my tracks.


Recently, a client of mine reached out, feeling completely overwhelmed. Her mind was swamped with thoughts like, "Too many things are happening, I’m overwhelmed, I don’t have control." These negative thoughts triggered intense anxiety and worry. Her typical reaction to this inner chaos was to freeze, leading to avoidance and procrastination. This, in turn, meant things didn't get done, chipping away at her confidence, the very outcome she desperately wanted to avoid.


The good news is that she caught herself. I suggested she take a short walk, just ten minutes, to get some fresh air and a new perspective. That simple action broke the chain reaction. It allowed her to step back, challenge those negative thoughts, and calmly identify small, manageable tasks she could focus on.


While I've been teaching more thorough methodologies for navigating negative thoughts in our women leaders club, sometimes, when we're feeling panicky or the noise gets too loud, we forget all the steps. That's why it's so helpful to have some quick techniques you can use anytime, anywhere, to quiet those unwelcome voices. The goal isn't to force the thoughts away, but to give you simple, practical ways to create space so they don't take over.



1. Visualization: Turn Down the Volume


Visualization is a simple yet powerful technique where you use your imagination to change your experience of a thought. In this case, we'll imagine the negative thought as if it's coming from a device, like a radio, a TV, or even a phone. And just like with any device, you have the power to turn the volume down.


Let's walk through a short example together so you can see how it works. When you try it on your own later, you can adjust it in a way that feels most natural to you. This is just a demonstration to help you get the idea.


  1. Close your eyes if that feels okay. Take a deep breath in... and slowly let it out.
  2. Now bring to mind the negative thought that keeps popping up.
  3. Imagine it’s coming from a device—maybe a radio, a TV, or a phone.
  4. Notice how loud it is. Hear the sharpness of the voice, how it pulls at your attention. Maybe it even hurts your ears a little, making it hard to focus on what really matters. You might feel irritated, your body tightens, and all you want is to make it stop.
  5. Now, picture your hand reaching for the volume dial. Or maybe it’s the volume-down button on your remote or phone.
  6. Begin turning it down... From a 10... to an 8... To a 5... to a 2... Until it’s just a whisper... or even silence.
  7. You can barely hear it now. And you begin to feel calmer. The tension softens.
  8. Where do you feel that shift in your body? Gently place a hand there, just notice it.
  9. Maybe you still see the person talking on the screen, but there’s no sound. It’s quiet now. Maybe it even makes you smile. You’re in control of the volume. And in this moment, you’ve chosen peace.
  10. Take one more deep breath here... and enjoy the stillness.



2. Distancing: Let It Float Away


The second tool is called Distancing. 

It’s a way to imagine placing the thought somewhere outside of you. For example, you can picture putting the thought in a bottle or a box, then place that box on a small boat and let it float away down a river. Or imagine writing the thought on a piece of paper (just in your mind) and folding it into a paper airplane, then picture it lifting off and drifting farther and farther away until you can’t see it anymore. There’s no need to do anything to the thought. You’re just letting it move on.


Let’s try one version of this together. Afterward, you can play with whichever version works best for you.


  1. Close your eyes if you’re comfortable. Take a deep breath in... and let it out slowly.
  2. Now bring to mind that negative thought that you chose earlier.
  3. Imagine placing that thought into a small box. Or maybe a jar, or any container that feels right to you. The thought is now contained, separate from you.
  4. Now picture a small wooden boat beside a quiet river. Place the box on the boat.
  5. And when you’re ready, gently place the boat in the water... and give it a soft push.
  6. Watch it begin to float away. The current carries it slowly... steadily... downstream. It gets smaller... lighter... and eventually disappears from view.
  7. Take one more deep breath in... and out. You’re still here. The thought is not.



3. Actioning: Break the Pattern


The third tool is called Actioning. 

This one is simple but powerful: you choose a small, intentional action to take when a negative thought shows up. It’s not about figuring out the exact type of thought or remembering the perfect response. It’s about doing something that breaks the pattern.


For example, when a negative thought makes your mind spiral, you might:

  • Stand up and walk to the bathroom or kitchen for a glass of water.
  • Do a specific stretching move you know.
  • Go walk barefoot in your garden for a minute.
  • Get up and take a break, even just for 30 seconds.


Tip: To figure out your action, think about your typical reaction to these thoughts. If you tend to freeze and hold back (like my client), your action might be to move your body or speak up (e.g., raise your hand, unmute yourself). The goal is to do something simple, but different from your usual reaction, to shift you out of hesitation and into movement.


So the next time a negative thought shows up, you don’t need to analyze it. Just do that action. Let that action become your signal: "I’m not letting this thought run the show."



4. Reframing: Your Mental Anchor


The fourth tool is called Reframing. 

Instead of choosing an action, this time you choose a thought, a single, clear phrase you can use whenever a negative thought shows up. The purpose of this phrase is to interrupt the negative cycle with something stronger and more helpful, acting as a mental anchor you can reach for in the moment instead of spiraling into self-doubt.


This phrase doesn’t have to match every thought exactly. It just needs to be believable, and something that moves you in the direction you want to go.


Here are some types of phrases you can choose from:


  • To separate the thoughts from you: These phrases help you create a mental distance from the thought, reminding you that it's just something your mind is producing, not necessarily a truth about you.
    • "It’s my thought, not me speaking."
    • "I’m the observer of my thoughts."
    • "I’m noticing my negative thoughts coming up."
  • To change how you respond: These phrases empower you to choose a different path, rather than being controlled by the thought.
    • "I can choose how I respond to this thought."
    • "My brain is trying to protect me, but from what?"
  • To be kind to yourself: These phrases offer compassion and reassurance when you're feeling vulnerable.
    • "I’m allowed to feel this and still move forward."
    • "I’m safe right now."
  • To focus on the present moment/reality check: These phrases bring you back to what is actually happening now, challenging unhelpful assumptions.
    • "What's actually happening in this moment?"
    • "Is this thought serving me right now?"
  • To focus on moving forward/taking a step: These phrases shift your focus from the problem to potential solutions or next actions, no matter how small.
    • "What's one small step I can take?"
    • "What's most important right now?"


Choose the type of phrase that resonates most with you, and then pick one specific phrase within that category. This becomes your go-to mental anchor.



These four techniques—Visualization, Distancing, Actioning, and Reframing—offer quick, practical ways to create space from negative thoughts when they arise unexpectedly. Remember, what works best for you might change over time, so feel free to revisit and retry these methods whenever you need to.


Which one will you try today?


Wednesday, June 11, 2025

17 Types of Self-Limiting Negative Thoughts

We all hear negative thoughts. They are usually irrational and immediately come into our consciousness, especially during stressful or triggering events. These thoughts may have once protected us, but now they often diminish our confidence and abilities.

The first step is to become aware of these thoughts and what triggers them. Then, name them.

Naming and labeling them helps externalize the thought—it becomes “a thought I’m having,” rather than “who I am.” This creates distance and allows for reflection.


As Amit Ray once said:

“You are not your thoughts. You are the observer of your thoughts.”


Once you recognize the type of thought and the situation that triggers it, ask questions to challenge it—because these thoughts are usually irrational. Then, prepare what alternative thought you want to practice next time it shows up.


Below are 17 types of common self-limiting negative thoughts:


1. Mind Reading

You believe you know what others are thinking—typically something negative about you.

Example: You see someone quiet in a meeting and assume they think you’re an idiot.

→ You ignore neutral or ambiguous cues and jump to negative conclusions.


Challenging questions:

  • What’s helpful about predicting a negative outcome before it happens?

  • What evidence do you have to support this prediction?

  • How likely is it that your fear will actually come true?


2. Fortune Telling

You predict a negative outcome, even without solid evidence.

Example: “I’m going to get fired,” after a single mistake.

→ You assume the worst will happen, often prematurely.


Challenging questions:

  • Am I assuming I know what someone else is thinking?

  • What specific evidence supports my assumption?

  • What are some alternative explanations for their behavior that don’t involve me being inadequate?


3. Catastrophizing

You imagine the worst-case scenario and believe it’s the most likely.

Example: “I’ll never get another opportunity again,” after a minor mistake.

→ Reality is more likely to involve feedback and learning, not total exclusion.


Challenging questions:

  • How realistic is the worst-case scenario?

  • What might happen if the outcome wasn’t as catastrophic as I fear?

  • How have I coped with similar situations in the past? How did it go?


4. Labeling

You assign a negative identity to yourself based on a behavior or mistake.

Examples: “I’m incompetent,” “I’m stupid,” “I’m incapable.”

→ These reinforce shame rather than acknowledge growth.


Challenging questions:

  • What specific evidence supports this label?

  • Can you identify instances where this label doesn’t apply?

  • How might this label limit your view of yourself or others?


5. Discounting the Positive

You trivialize or invalidate compliments and achievements.

Example: After praise, you respond with, “But I messed up that one slide.”

→ You transform positive moments into negatives.


Challenging questions:

  • Are you dismissing your accomplishments or others’ positive actions?

  • What effort or skill went into achieving this success?

  • Would you minimize someone else’s success in the same way?


6. Negative Filter

You focus almost entirely on what went wrong, ignoring what went well.

Example: “Nobody likes me,” after one negative interaction.

→ You magnify the bad and erase the good.


Challenging questions:

  • What positives might I be overlooking?

  • Is there any evidence that contradicts my negative focus?

  • How balanced is my view of the situation? What might a more balanced opinion look like?


7. Overgeneralization

You draw broad conclusions from one isolated event.

Example: “I did poorly at that leadership event—I’m not leadership material.”

→ One moment becomes your entire identity.


Challenging questions:

  • Am I drawing broad conclusions based on a single event?

  • How does one incident define my overall abilities?

  • Can I identify situations where the opposite has been true?

  • What might a more specific description of this situation look like?


8. Dichotomous Thinking

Also known as all-or-nothing or black-and-white thinking.

Examples: “It was a complete waste of time,” “Everyone rejects me.”

→ There’s no room for nuance or partial success.


Challenging questions:

  • Am I seeing this situation as either entirely good or entirely bad?

  • Is there a middle ground or partial success I’m overlooking?

  • How does this black-and-white perspective affect my view of the situation?


9. Should Statements

You frame expectations as moral imperatives and judge yourself harshly when falling short.

Example: “I should do well. If I don’t, I’m a failure.”

→ “Shoulds” become rigid rules that set you up to feel like a failure.


Challenging questions:

  • Am I imposing rigid expectations on myself or others?

  • Where did that “should” come from?

  • How realistic or helpful is this “should” statement?

  • What could I replace “should” with to create a more flexible perspective?


10. Personalization

You believe you’re to blame for things outside your control.

Example: “The project failed—it was all my fault,” in a group setting.

→ You ignore shared responsibility.


Challenging questions:

  • Am I taking responsibility for things beyond my control?

  • How much responsibility do others share in this situation?

  • How would I view this situation if it happened to someone else?

  • What would a more balanced view of responsibility look like?


11. Blaming

You focus on others as the source of your problems and resist personal responsibility.

Examples: “My parents caused all my problems,” “If my boss were different, I’d be successful.”

→ This leaves you feeling powerless to change.


Challenging questions:

  • Am I attributing my feelings entirely to someone else’s actions?

  • How much control do I have over my own feelings and reactions?

  • What steps can I take to improve the situation, regardless of others’ actions?

  • How does focusing on blame prevent me from finding solutions?


12. Unfair Comparisons

You compare yourself to others with more experience or resources and judge yourself inferior.

Example: “We were in the same MBA class, but I’m nowhere near their level.”

→ “Compare and despair” leads to low self-worth.


Challenging questions:

  • Am I comparing myself to someone else without considering my own unique circumstances?

  • What strengths or achievements of my own am I overlooking?

  • How can I use comparison as inspiration rather than self-criticism?

  • How does my journey differ from theirs?


13. Regret Orientation

You dwell on past decisions and ruminate on what you “should have” done.

Examples: “Why did I say that?” “I should’ve done more.”

→ Focus remains on the past instead of present choices.


Challenging questions:

  • Am I focusing more on the past than on what I can do now?

  • How does this focus on regret affect my present actions?

  • What lessons can I learn from the past to inform my future?

  • What steps can I take now to create a better outcome?


14. What-Ifs

You worry about endless negative scenarios.

Examples: “What if I fail?” “What if I get anxious?”

→ Rarely satisfied by reassurances, these thoughts stall action.


Challenging questions:

  • Am I asking hypothetical questions that lack definitive answers?

  • What evidence suggests this worst-case scenario will happen?

  • How has worrying helped or hurt me in similar situations?

  • What is the most realistic outcome?


15. Emotional Reasoning

You use your feelings to determine truth.

Example: “I felt nervous, so that must’ve been a disaster.”

→ Emotions are treated as facts.


Challenging questions:

  • Am I assuming that my feelings accurately reflect reality?

  • What evidence supports or contradicts my interpretation?

  • How might temporary emotions influence my perspective?

  • What other explanations could there be for my feelings?


16. Successful Judgment Focus

You measure yourself and others by arbitrary standards of success.

Example: “They’re making more money than me—I’m falling behind.”

→ You constantly evaluate, rather than understand or accept.


Challenging questions:

  • Am I dismissing evidence that challenges my belief?

  • What would it take for me to accept positive feedback?

  • How does holding onto this belief serve or harm me?

  • What small steps could I take to test this belief?


17. Inability to Disconfirm

You dismiss or reject any evidence that contradicts your negative belief.

Example: “One person gave me bad feedback—see, I am a bad speaker,” despite positive feedback.

→ You make your negative belief unfalsifiable.


Challenging questions:

  • Am I judging myself or others based on rigid or unrealistic standards?

  • Who decides what “success” or “failure” means?

  • How does focusing on judgments limit my growth or happiness?

  • What would happen if I focused on understanding rather than evaluating?


Which ones do you resonate with the most?

Ask yourself the challenging questions. Do you have a new, more balanced thought you’d like to hold onto instead? Write it down.

Next time that negative thought shows up, have your new thought ready.


Thursday, May 1, 2025

How Negative Thoughts Turn Into Behaviors That Hold You Back

In Part 1, we explored how your negative thoughts often trace back to childhood roles—strategies you unconsciously developed to feel safe, loved, or accepted.


But those early roles don’t just disappear. They evolve.


They become your internal voice. And for many high-achieving women, they become what we now call Imposter Syndrome Masks—the protective personas we wear as adults to avoid feeling exposed, inadequate, or unworthy.


These masks aren’t flaws. They’re strategies that once helped you survive.

But if you’re feeling stuck, burned out, or like you’re holding yourself back… it might be time to take a closer look.



Imposter Syndrome Masks


🎓 The Expert


Feels the need to know everything—and sees any gap in knowledge as failure. Even small mistakes bring up shame. Tends to avoid senior stakeholders, shares knowledge only in “safe” spaces, and lives with anxiety about being exposed for not knowing enough.


🛑 The Failure Avoider


Avoids taking risks that could lead to failure. Resists pushing for stretch assignments, asking for raises, or starting new ventures. Feels regret or frustration for not stepping into bigger possibilities.


🧠 The Natural Genius


Believes true competence should come easily. If they struggle to learn something, they feel like a fraud. Avoids showing the process, effort, or vulnerability that comes with learning.


🤐 The Soloist


Thinks asking for help is a sign of weakness. Prefers to manage everything alone. Fears that leaning on others will expose them as incompetent or undeserving.


🦸 The Superhero


Measures worth by how much they can juggle—work, family, leadership, and more. Feels responsible for solving everyone’s problems. Struggles to delegate or let go.


🕵️ The Behind-the-Scenes Leader


Avoids visibility and lets others take credit. Shies away from public-facing roles or speaking up in meetings. Fears that being in the spotlight will reveal their flaws.



How About You?


Which mask feels familiar? You might recognize yourself in more than one.


Take a moment to reflect:

  • Where in your life or work do you notice these patterns?
  • How have these masks helped you succeed or stay safe?
  • And now—are they limiting you in any way?



Decide Your New Behavior


Once you recognize these patterns and the impact they’ve had, you get to choose what to do next. If they still serve you, there’s no need to change them. But if you sense they’re limiting your growth or possibilities, you have the power to shift them.

You don’t need to drop the mask all at once, and you don’t have to force confidence. Change starts with one small, intentional step—something just outside your comfort zone. A step that makes your heart beat a little faster, something that makes you say, “Yikes… but maybe.” Not overwhelming. Just stretching. You practice that one step until it feels natural. Then you take the next one.

💡 Here are a few small, meaningful steps you might try:

  • The Expert can say: “I’m not sure—does anyone know the exact number?”
  • The Failure Avoider can volunteer for something new, even if it feels a little risky.
  • The Natural Genius can try a hobby they’re not naturally good at—and share the learning process.
  • The Soloist can ask for input on a project, even just a second opinion.
  • The Superhero can delegate one task—and trust someone else to handle it.
  • The Behind-the-Scenes Leader can speak up in a small meeting, even just to share a quick update.


💬 Join the Women Leaders Club—a space for high-achieving women to remove the masks, break old patterns, and support one another in becoming who we truly are.