You Already Know What to Do. The Problem Is Your Environment.

She came to our coaching session frustrated.

Not because she lacked ambition. She had plenty of that. She had a clear picture of where she wanted to go: leading strategy, driving vision, managing people and projects at a higher level. She knew exactly what kind of leader she wanted to be.

The problem was her calendar.

Week after week, it filled up with execution. Detailed, urgent, necessary work. And because she was good at it, more kept coming. By the time Friday rolled around, she'd already worked through the weekend once or twice that month. The high-level thinking she wanted to do? It sat on the back burner. Again.

"I know I need to change this," she told me. "I know what I should be doing differently. I just can't seem to make it happen."

The Real Problem Isn't Information

Here's what I want you to hear: she didn't need more advice.

She already had the roadmap. She'd read the books, listened to the podcasts, talked it through in coaching. She knew she needed to protect her time, delegate more, create space for strategic thinking. She knew it all.

And she was still stuck.

This is one of the most common and most misunderstood traps I see accomplished professionals fall into. We assume that if we know what to do, we'll eventually do it. That knowledge will translate into change if we just remind ourselves often enough.

But it doesn't work that way. Knowledge doesn't change behavior. Environment does.

The Antarctica Problem

Think of it this way. You can absolutely grow a flower garden in Antarctica. The knowledge of how to grow flowers is the same anywhere in the world. But the environment works against you at every turn. The cold, the darkness, the frozen ground. Every step requires enormous effort. Most people give up, not because they don't know how to garden, but because the conditions make it brutally hard.

Now imagine that same gardener in a warm climate with rich soil and plenty of sun. Suddenly, the same actions produce results. The work feels possible. Progress happens.

This is the difference between knowing what to do and being set up to actually do it.

When we struggle to act on what we know, we tend to blame ourselves. Our discipline, our priorities, our willpower. But often the real issue is that nothing in our environment is making the right action easy. And everything in it is making the old patterns effortless.

The shift happens when you stop asking, "Why can't I make myself do this?" and start asking, "What would make this easier to do?"

Start With the Loudest Voice in the Room

Before you can change your environment, you need to understand what's actually stopping you.

And most of the time, it's not logistics. It's a voice.

When you think about doing the thing you say you want to do, whether that's blocking time for strategic work, saying no to a task that isn't yours, or asking for a different kind of role, pay attention to what happens inside. There's usually a loud, immediate reaction. A thought that rushes in before you've even made a decision.

If I don't handle this, it won't get done right. I can't afford to take my foot off the gas right now. This isn't the right time. I'll do it after this project.

Those voices feel like truth. They feel urgent. They feel like they're protecting you from something.

And here's the thing: they probably are.

The Voices Were Built to Help You

I want to share something personal here.

When I was in my PhD program, everyone in my lab took a three-day ski trip. Everyone. And I didn't go.

Even then, in the moment, I knew that three days away would not derail my degree. Intellectually, I knew that. But the fear from the thought was so real, so immediate, that I stayed. I told myself I had too much to do. That I couldn't afford to fall behind. That people who succeed don't take breaks like that.

Those voices had been with me since I was a child. I had learned early that saying no to fun and yes to work was how you achieved things. How you got into a good school. How you earned the opportunities you wanted. And it worked. Those thoughts helped me accomplish real goals.

The problem is that I never went back and reviewed them.

I carried them into adulthood without questioning whether they still fit. And I operated by them automatically, the way you follow a habit you formed years ago without ever stopping to ask whether it's still serving you.

This is what most high achievers are doing. Not because they're unaware or unexamined. But because those patterns formed when you were younger and less powerful. They helped you then. And they've never been officially retired.

What to Do With the Voices

You don't have to fight them. You don't have to prove them wrong. You just have to see them clearly.

Start here.

Write down the voices you hear most often. The ones that come up when you're about to do something different, something that moves toward the leader you want to be. Don't filter. Just list them.

Notice when they arrive. Are they loudest on Sunday nights? When your manager sends a last-minute request? When you're about to decline a task? The pattern matters.

Ask what dream is paying the price. What are you not doing, not building, not becoming, because these voices keep redirecting you? Name it specifically. The more concrete, the better.

Ask whether the voice is still true. Not whether it was ever true. Not whether it made sense once. But whether it's accurate now, given who you are and what you're actually capable of.

Most of the time, when you look directly at the voice, it loses some of its power. Not all of it. But enough.

Then Build the Environment

Once you understand what's been holding the pattern in place, you can start making small, practical shifts in your environment that make the right actions easier.

This doesn't have to be dramatic.

It might mean blocking ninety minutes on Thursday mornings and treating it as non-negotiable as a client meeting. It might mean putting one strategic project on your weekly agenda before the reactive tasks get listed. It might mean naming one thing you will stop doing this month, so something else can begin.

Small things. Repeated. They create more room. And more room creates more possibility.

You are not trying to overhaul everything at once. You are trying to make the garden slightly warmer. Slightly more hospitable. So that what you already know can finally take root.

You Don't Have to Figure This Out Alone

If you're reading this and you're not sure which voice is the loudest, or you can't quite name the pattern that's keeping you stuck, that's a signal worth paying attention to.

The work of identifying these patterns is often clearer with support. Someone who can reflect back what you're describing and help you see it from the outside.

If you want a space where you can do this work alongside other accomplished women who are navigating the same territory, we are addressing exactly this in the Women Leaders Club in April 2026. You don't have to keep circling the same spot alone.

You already know what you want. You've known for a while.

The question was never whether you have the information. The question is whether your environment is built to support you, and whether the voices running in the background are ones you actually still believe.

Real strength is not just knowing the way. It's building the conditions that make it possible to walk it.

Why Do So Many Women Leaders Feel Like They’ve Hit a Wall? - Optimization Trap

I remember reading biographies of great figures and wondering why there weren’t any heroes in the present day. As a kid, I thought it would be amazing to live in a time of heroes. But as I grew up, I realized heroes do exist—they’re just not labeled as such yet. In college, I started finding these heroes in real time by following their journeys in books and lectures. And now, through platforms like YouTube, we don’t have to wait for them to be labeled “heroes.” We can follow their journeys as they happen, cheering them on.

This is exciting, but it also has a dark side. With so many people sharing their success stories and insights—just a few steps ahead of us—it’s easy to feel like their path is the "right" way. We start believing we can “optimize” our own lives, cut out the unnecessary parts, and achieve success faster by following their exact steps. But that’s not how it works.

The truth is, you can’t simply repeat someone else’s journey to reach your goals. You’re different, your circumstances are different, and the world is constantly changing. What worked for someone else might not work for you now.

Here’s my own experience: I decided to major in physics because I wanted to understand how the universe works. At the time, the only path I could see to becoming a physicist was through college and graduate school. Back then, there were some sensational stories of musicians finding success without college degrees, but I believed physics was different.

Fast forward to now, and things have changed. You can dive deep into the world of physics without ever setting foot in a traditional classroom. Instead of learning from just the professors and peers at one institution, today there are countless resources—books, e-learning platforms, YouTube lectures from top universities. I’ve even heard of teenagers exploring graduate-level physics purely through online resources. The landscape has shifted a lot in my lifetime.

It's valuable to hear everyone’s stories—their challenges, what they tried, and how they succeeded. It’s like getting a preview of a marathon course, knowing where the uphill climbs are, where the winds might push you back, and where the water stands are placed. But even with all that insight, your race will be uniquely yours.

Stop trying to meticulously optimize your success. Sometimes, it's the seemingly irrelevant or fun detours that enrich your journey. They add joy, spontaneity, and in time, may even be what sets you apart and leads to your unique brand of success.

Next week, I’m hosting a workshop to help you uncover what truly excites and fulfills you and create an action plan. Break free from the Optimization Trap and start building a path to success on your terms. Ready to start? Register here: https://forms.gle/EJeNrxkpXhwQ7W5P6.

The Struggle Behind Women Leaders’ Success - Timeline Trap

 We live in a time where women are told they can break barriers and achieve anything. The opportunities available today far exceed those that past generations could ever dream of. With so much progress made, it feels like the world should be wide open for women to thrive.

Yet, despite these advancements, many women still feel stuck. Maybe you relate—you feel empowered by the possibilities, but at the same time, there’s a nagging sense that you’re not moving fast enough. People say, “You can do anything,” but all you hear is, “Why haven’t you achieved more by now?”

This pressure to succeed quickly can feel overwhelming, and leave you questioning whether you're falling behind, even when you're working hard.

In our last episode, we discussed the impact of Limited Role Models, Shifting Values, and the Box of Chocolate Mindset. In this episode, we'll dive into the Timeline Trap—the pressure many women feel to meet external expectations about when and how success should unfold.

The reality is that everyone’s circumstances are different. I know women with supportive partners who can fully focus on their careers, others who prioritize raising their children, and some who care for aging parents or navigate single motherhood. Your timeline is uniquely yours, and it’s okay if it doesn’t match the “traditional” expectations.

It's natural to think, “I should have X by now,” or “Everyone else has X at my age,” even when we know these thoughts don’t align with our personal journeys. But let’s be real—it’s hard to just turn off that comparison switch, no matter how much we understand it logically. These feelings are deeply ingrained, especially in a society that constantly pushes timelines and milestones.

Instead of trying to suppress these thoughts, what if you could anchor yourself to something stronger—your own values and vision? When you’re clear on what truly matters to you and what you’re working toward, those external pressures lose some of their power. You’ll still feel the sway of comparison, but your anchor will keep you grounded, helping you move forward in your own time, on your own path.

By focusing on your true north, you’re better equipped to weather those moments of doubt and stay aligned with the direction you want to go. It’s not about silencing the noise completely—it’s about staying grounded and swaying less.

That’s exactly what my upcoming workshop is designed to do. You’ll gain clarity on what truly excites and fulfills you, build a vision for the ideal role that fits you, and create a roadmap for your future—one that’s anchored in your priorities, not someone else’s timeline. This will help you escape the Timeline Trap and stay focused on what truly matters to you. Ready to take that first step? Join me: https://forms.gle/EJeNrxkpXhwQ7W5P6

Why Do Women in Leadership Still Feel Trapped? - Box of Chocolate Mindset

Today’s world presents women with opportunities that previous generations could only dream of. For the first time, we have access to career paths and choices that our grandmothers never thought possible, and we’re encouraged to aim for the stars and achieve anything we desire.

But despite these advancements, why do so many women still feel stuck? Maybe this sounds like you—you feel empowered, knowing the possibilities are endless, but at the same time, you’re unsure where to begin. People say, “You can do anything,” yet you’re left thinking, “I don’t see a perfect choice for me.”

In our last episode, we discussed the impact of Limited Role Models and Shifting Values. Today, we’re diving into what I call the Box of Chocolate Mindset—an outdated framework that many of us still lean on when making decisions about our careers.

For decades, the formula for success was straightforward: go to a good school, get a job at a reputable company, and you were set for life. This was the path for my father’s generation—choices were pre-defined, and success was measured by titles and the name of your employer.

But today’s world has changed. With increased life expectancy and more fluid career paths, many of us find ourselves reinventing our careers multiple times. We’re no longer confined to one job for life. Personally, I’ve navigated from academia to the tech industry, navigated from bottom to top in data science, and now I’m an entrepreneur. None of these paths (aka chocolates) existed in the box of chocolates. I had to create my own chocolate (aka path), based on my own desires and vision for the future.

This experience isn’t unique anymore—it’s becoming the new norm. The traditional “safety” of a big company is fading with the rise of frequent reorgs and layoffs. Many people feel trapped, holding on to jobs that no longer fulfill them out of fear. But here’s the hard truth: clinging to the familiar doesn’t guarantee security anymore.

While this uncertainty might feel daunting, it also presents an exciting opportunity. The people who will thrive are those who figure out what truly excites them and use that as their anchor. Relying on old ways—choosing from limited options or accepting whatever comes our way—will only lead to lateral moves with little growth. However, by anchoring yourself to your ideal role and creating your own path, you’ll spiral upward, even through uncertainty.

I'm hosting a workshop exactly for this: "I know I should do something, but what?!" You'll walk away with a clear action plan for your success. Ready to do something now? Join me: https://forms.gle/EJeNrxkpXhwQ7W5P6

What’s Holding Women Leaders Back? - Shifting Values

We live in a world where women are told that the sky’s the limit—that we can achieve anything we set our minds to. For the first time in history, we have access to opportunities that our grandmothers couldn’t even dream of. My grandmother wasn’t allowed to go to school. My mother could study, but building a career wasn’t an option for her. Now, we’re encouraged to pursue our goals and thrive in our careers.

But despite these new opportunities, why do so many women still feel stuck? Does this sound like you? You feel empowered, like the possibilities are endless, but at the same time, you’re unsure where to begin. People say, “You can do anything,” but you’re left asking yourself, “How do I actually make that happen?”

In our last episode, we talked about the Limited Role Models available to women. Today, we’re focusing on Shifting Values. The expectations of the past still have a powerful influence on us today. Women are conditioned to balance traditional nurturing roles with ambitious career goals, which can create an overwhelming mental load.

Society has changed significantly over the past three generations. In my grandmother's time, women were expected to be good daughters, wives, and mothers—fulfilling those roles set the course for their lives. My father's generation, while predominantly focused on men, emphasized the importance of studying hard, securing a stable job, and remaining there for life. The definition of success was clearer and relatively straightforward. Now, we find ourselves in a very different era, yet traditional values still influence us.

Many women feel pressured to excel as good daughters, wives, and mothers while also striving to be successful career women. This creates an overwhelming checklist of expectations, making it harder to achieve everything. It’s no wonder we often hear thoughts like "I'm not good enough." If you excel as a daughter, wife, or mother but struggle in your career, you may feel inadequate. Conversely, if you have a successful career but don't feel you are a perfect daughter, wife, or mother, the same feelings arise. This struggle contributes to imposter syndrome.

Additionally, more women are now working in fields previously dominated by men, which can invite doubt and skepticism about their capabilities. This often leads women to adopt the mindset of "I should be able to handle this on my own." While this mentality fosters strength and achievement, it can also drain energy and increase the likelihood of giving up on their dreams.

Lastly, traditional views of men as leaders—both in the family and workplace—persist. Women may grapple with negative beliefs such as "I shouldn't hold a higher title than my husband" or "I shouldn't earn more than him," which can stifle their ambition.

As we look to the future, we anticipate that the next 30 years will bring even more significant changes than the last. Not only will society evolve, but so too will social values. What may seem unacceptable now could become the norm in the future. One thing is clear: the idea of a "safe" or "settled" path is becoming increasingly obsolete.

So what should we do about it? Now more than ever, it’s essential to know what you truly want and use that as your true north to navigate the ever-changing landscape. Clarity on what excites you, the impact you want to make, and your core values will help you steer through uncertainty. When you align with these inner drivers, you no longer need external validation or follow someone else’s path. You can create your own.

If you feel like it's not easy to get clarity on what excites you, consider joining the workshop I'm hosting. It's called, "I know I should do something, but what?!" You will walk away with:

• Clarity on the aspects that make up your ideal role (hint: it’s easier than you think!).
• Understanding of the biggest gap between your current or past role and your dream role.
• A clear action plan for your first step toward that ideal career. 🎯

Join me: https://forms.gle/EJeNrxkpXhwQ7W5P6

How to Be Seen as a Leader: Find Out 4 Key Ways

You know you are good at what you do and have the potential to make a greater impact. Yet, it can be frustrating when others don’t see you as a leader. Here are four key reasons why this may happen and how to address them to elevate your leadership presence and influence.

1. Do You Take Ownership?

True leaders take full responsibility for their roles and are proactive in seeing the big picture. They have a vision of what success looks like for their organization and care deeply about achieving it. They don't shy away from tasks that might not be explicitly part of their job descriptions.

If you often find yourself saying, “That’s not my job,” or if you feel stuck because your manager’s instructions are vague and you lack your own ideas about what needs to be done, you might not be ready for a leadership role. Ask yourself, do you genuinely want this leadership role, or do you just think you should have it?

Do you have your own vision and sense of ownership but feel limited by your current title? Ask yourself what you believe a higher title would allow you to do that you can’t do right now. Then consider whether there are ways to start doing those things now, even without the title. Remember, leadership doesn’t require a title; you can lead from any position or role. You’ll be promoted only when others see your actions as those of a leader.

Embrace the mindset of ownership by:

• Taking Initiative: Look for opportunities to contribute beyond your assigned tasks and take the lead on projects that align with your vision.
• Being Accountable: Own your actions and decisions, learn from mistakes, and continuously seek ways to improve.
• Thinking Strategically: Understand the broader goals of the organization and align your efforts with those objectives.

2. Are You Seen As a Leader?

If you're already taking ownership but still feel overlooked, you might not be advocating for yourself enough. Many people do the work but hesitate to share their achievements, fearing it may come across as bragging. However, stating facts is not bragging. Simply share what you accomplished and the impact it had. If you find this challenging, consider partnering with a colleague initially to exchange compliments, but eventually, you’ll need to become comfortable doing it yourself.

Many people in this situation don’t speak up at meetings, often feeling they don’t add value or might be stepping on others’ toes. If you find yourself saying, “I don’t know enough,” or “I’m sure they’ve covered everything,” remember that you can always ask questions and contribute meaningfully.

While others may be experts on a specific project, you bring expertise from different areas. Your questions and comments can offer insights they might not have considered. That’s the value you add. Use phrases like, “I’ll play devil’s advocate here,” or, “I have one concern and would like to hear your perspective,” to make it easier to speak up.

If you feel you lack knowledge about the basics, take the initiative to learn. To be a leader, you must understand everyone’s work at a high level. Reach out to colleagues to learn more about their work and about them as individuals. Everyone appreciates interest in their work and themselves.

Besides these steps, consider enhancing your presence by attending industry events, participating in webinars, and sharing your expertise on professional platforms. This helps build a reputation beyond your immediate circle and opens up opportunities for networking and collaboration.

Increase your visibility by:

• Speaking Up: Share your achievements and insights confidently in meetings and discussions. Remember, stating facts is not bragging.
• Networking Actively: Build relationships with colleagues and leaders in your organization to exchange ideas and gain support.
• Developing Presence: Use confident body language, such as taking a front seat at meetings and speaking with a clear voice. Practice reducing filler words to project confidence.

3. Are You Resourceful?

Leadership isn't about doing everything yourself; it's about enabling and motivating others, often without formal authority. You must be creative in finding resources like venues, people, and budgets. If you struggle with this, leadership positions can become stressful.

Fortunately, resourcefulness is a skill you can develop. While leadership may grant some authority and resources, they are rarely enough on their own. Leaders often feel constrained by demands, so be resourceful to free yourself. Influence others, create time, and develop minimum viable solutions instead of perfect ones. Find ways to expand your budget and rally people to support your vision.

One of the most important resources is people. Care about them, not just their work. Help them achieve their goals, recognize their contributions, and never take credit for their efforts. Build trust and foster strong relationships. Ultimately, leadership is all about people and how you empower them to succeed.

Enhance your resourcefulness by:

• Leveraging People: Build strong relationships and empower others to contribute their best work. Recognize their efforts and help them achieve their goals.
• Finding Creative Solutions: Look for innovative ways to overcome constraints and achieve your objectives, even with limited resources.
• Cultivating Influence: Learn to influence others without formal authority by aligning their interests with your vision and goals.

4. Do You Remain Calm?

Warren Buffet once said, "When the tide goes out, you can see who’s been swimming naked."

When things are going well, anyone can pretend to be a leader. True leaders reveal themselves in times of crisis by remaining calm and confident, helping their teams stay focused and work together to find solutions.

True leaders make tough decisions and guide their teams through pivots, ensuring everyone understands the reasons behind the changes. Because they involve their team in decision-making, everyone feels invested in the outcome and believes they can achieve success together.

By maintaining composure and demonstrating confidence, you inspire trust and foster a collaborative environment where challenges are met with collective strength and determination.

Maintain calm and confidence by:

• Practicing Composure: Develop techniques to manage stress and remain calm during crises, setting a positive example for your team.
• Making Informed Decisions: Clearly communicate the rationale behind tough decisions and pivots to ensure team alignment and understanding.
• Encouraging Collaboration: Foster an environment where your team feels supported and empowered to tackle challenges together, reinforcing collective resilience.

Conclusion

We've explored four key pillars of leadership: Ownership, Visibility, Resourcefulness, and Calm. Reflect on which pillar resonates most with you and identify the steps you can take today to enhance your leadership skills. If you still need support in developing these areas, consider joining the Women Leaders Community or reaching out to me directly. Embrace these pillars and watch yourself grow into the leader you are meant to be. Start your journey now, and make your leadership mark.

Do you know this woman?

She consistently delivers outstanding results but often goes unnoticed in the bustling office environment. Her hard work and productivity are unmatched, and she excels in her role with quiet confidence. In meetings, she rarely speaks up unless directly asked, but when she does, her deep knowledge shines through. Despite her expertise, she doesn’t volunteer her opinions or engage in debates, preferring to work independently. Socially, she maintains a distance, focusing intently on her tasks, leaving colleagues curious about the person behind the remarkable work.

She never asks for help, even when the workload is demanding, and she completes her tasks with impressive efficiency. Her self-reliance makes her an invaluable asset to the team, yet she seems isolated. She rarely volunteers for projects or seeks new opportunities, content to let her work speak for itself. This reluctance to step forward means many opportunities pass her by, unnoticed by both her and her peers. As a result, she may miss out on potential advancements and recognition that her talents deserve.

If you see this woman, consider how you might help her shine. Encourage her to share her ideas and acknowledge her contributions. Recognizing the quiet talent in your workplace can lead to incredible outcomes. One way to support her is by sharing information about the Women Leaders Community, a program designed for successful women ready to make their next big leap. This can help her become more visible and take charge of her potential. Look around your workplace and ask yourself—who might be the next woman to benefit from your encouragement and support?

Quitting vs. Letting Go

The Stigma of Quitting

When I think about quitting, it often brings to mind images of failure and defeat—the notion that only those who can’t endure the challenge give up. This belief has been ingrained in me since childhood: once you set a goal, you should never quit. Success, I was told, belongs not to the best but to those who never give up.

Balancing Responsibilities

When I started managing a team while still handling technical work, I was proud of balancing both roles. I loved staying hands-on with the technical tasks and leading my team towards success. However, the dual responsibilities became overwhelming, and I found myself sacrificing too much time for myself and my family. My manager suggested, "Maybe it's time to let go of the technical work."

I resisted. I was scared. What if my technical skills lagged? Could I thrive as solely a people manager?

The Necessity of Letting Go

The truth is, to excel in something new, you need to let go of something old. It's like needing to empty your glass to pour in more water. Our capacity is finite, like the size of a glass.

A former colleague once told me that to advance in my career, I must teach everything I know to others. If I hoard my skills to secure my job, I can't grow. Instead, teach what you know and then learn the next level of skills to keep advancing. This shocked me, because I thought I needed to have unique skills to be indispensable.

Quitting vs. Letting Go

The key difference is between quitting and letting go. Quitting is running away from something challenging because it's too scary or difficult. Letting go, however, is a strategic choice to free up capacity to embrace something new. It's a deliberate, intentional decision for growth. The question is, what will you let go of, and what will you add in its place?

Join Us in the Journey

The Women Leaders Community can help you decide what to let go of, how to create space for what you truly want, and do so without the guilt or shame of quitting. Join us to learn more about making these intentional, empowering choices in your life.

Confidence vs. Skills: The Leadership Balancing Act

When I first transitioned from academia to the tech industry, I faced a significant challenge: interviews. Despite excelling at my job, my interview skills were lacking. People often advised me to "just be confident," implying that confidence alone would secure a successful interview. While there is some truth to this—my repeated rejections eroded my confidence—the real issue was my lack of interview skills.

Interview Skills vs. Job Skills

I remember hearing about someone who excelled in interviews but struggled to maintain performance once hired. For me, the opposite was true. Interviews were daunting, but once I secured a job, I thrived. Interviewing is a distinct skill separate from job performance, and it can be learned.

Some challenges with interview skills include:

1. Finding Support: It's tough to find help with interview skills, as colleagues may not assist in improving your techniques.
2. Domain-Specific Questions: While generic questions help, mastering domain-specific questions is crucial.
3. Variable Interviewer Quality: Sometimes, interviewers ask irrelevant questions, yet their feedback still impacts hiring decisions.
4. Confidence vs. Skill: Misinterpreting the need for confidence over honing actual interview skills.

Confidence at Different Career Stages

Confidence plays a different role depending on your career stage. For entry-level positions, confidence isn't as critical. Employers understand that fresh graduates lack extensive experience and knowledge. Overconfidence at this stage can even be detrimental. What matters more is the candidate's mindset, proactive efforts, and basic skills meeting the minimum requirements.

I recall hiring a recent graduate who was visibly nervous during the interview but remained composed, thoughtfully answering questions. Today, she is a confident leader at another company, proving that confidence grows with experience.

Confidence in Leadership

For leaders, confidence is essential. It stems from past experiences—having opinions, testing them, facing successes and failures, and learning from those experiences. This type of confidence is not about posture or gestures. Mimicking the outward signs of confidence does not make one genuinely confident. True confidence is about conviction in your ideas, knowing why something should be done, and believing in your ability to lead the effort.

Join the Women Leaders Community

At the Women Leaders Community, we emphasize developing genuine confidence by recognizing your strengths and learning from your history. We help you build your ideal role based on your true desires, think creatively to open up more opportunities, and overcome self-doubt to take bold actions. If you aspire to leadership but struggle to be seen as a leader, our program can help you realize your potential and lead with confidence. Check out the Women Leaders Community program to start sculpting your success today.

Enjoy the Journey - Core Principle in the WLC

 There are 5 core principles in the Women Leaders Community. The last is "Enjoy the Journey."

The Importance of Enjoying the Journey

In high school, my sole focus was studying for the college entrance exam. I wasn't allowed to read novels, watch TV, or even join family vacations. The rule was clear: if I wanted to go to college, I had to give up everything else and just focus on my studies.

Balancing Work and Fun

In graduate school, while my peers enjoyed parties, ski trips, and travels, I went to dinner parties but avoided longer trips, like three-day ski strips or week-long travel to Europe for a classmate's wedding. I believed I needed to focus solely on finishing my PhD. Looking back, I realize I didn't study as effectively as I thought and could have enjoyed those experiences. However, the self-imposed rule was so strong that I feared failing if I deviated.

After earning my degree, I began to have more fun. I got my private pilot's license, tried salsa dancing, and indulged in activities I enjoyed, like hiking and theater performances. But when I got pregnant, my focus shifted to activities for my son, like kids' birthday parties and camping. It took about 15 years before I felt I could return to my own fun activities.

Embracing Fun as a Value

Reflecting on my journey, I realize I lived my life focused on achieving goals and postponing enjoyment. Now, I feel that the time for enjoyment is now, or it will never come. Fun has become one of my top values.

I've taken up running, started ballet, gone for more walks, signed up for pottery classes, tried wood carving and painting, and returned to attending performances. Interestingly, these activities don’t take as much time as I thought. I could have done them all along, maybe not all at once, but one at a time. However, I worried that indulging in these activities would make me lose focus and hinder my progress.

Most of my clients share this mindset. They say, "I’d love to do it, but I don't have time," or "I can't do that now, maybe later." When I help them think small, they often find things they can do right now. They are often surprised by how these small, doable actions add little joys to their lives.

Dealing with Pain and Growth

Another aspect of enjoying the journey is dealing with pain. Growth requires stepping out of our comfort zone, which inevitably comes with discomfort.

When I entered the industry, I was good at my job but struggled with interviews. Because there was no place I could learn, out of desperation, I decided to experiment by applying to roles I wasn't interested in just to gain interview experience. I noted what interviewers liked and disliked, iterated my responses, and tried again in the next interview.

Even though I knew I didn't want those roles, getting rejection emails still hurt. I focused on the progress I made, but the rejections stung. In retrospect, I could have celebrated those rejections as steps toward my goal. Each rejection was a milestone, an opportunity to learn and improve.

Celebrating Failures

Now, I celebrate every time I do something scary, even if I fail. Celebrating failures as milestones toward success helps build resilience. Angela Duckworth's book "Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance" highlights the importance of grit for success. My insight is that finding fun in hardship is crucial to developing grit. By celebrating failures, enjoying small activities, and seeing setbacks as milestones, we can become grittier and more successful. What's one fun activity you will do this week?

Dare to Act - Core Principle in the WLC

There are 5 core principles in the Women Leaders Community. The fourth is "Dare to Act".

"I know I want to do it, but I can't."

I hear this all the time in coaching sessions. There are a few main reasons for this:

1. Reassessing Priorities

Sometimes, people realize that what they want isn't as important as they initially thought. They wanted it, but it's not worth the price they need to pay. That's okay. Some feel relieved and let the thought go. In such cases, it was more "I should do it" rather than "I want to do it."

2. Self-Imposed Rules

We grow up with many rules that shape our behavior. For example, "working hard and giving everything you've got" helped many of us achieve success. However, this often means sacrificing health, fun, and relationships. It may be time to reconsider if these rules still serve us. When I left my corporate job last year, I intentionally decided to slow down. It wasn't easy because I was running at full speed my entire life. But I needed that to create space for my mental and physical health and for the people I love.

3. Age

"I'm too old to do that." This may have been an acceptable answer 100 years ago when life expectancy was shorter. Now, with many of us living up to 100 years, even at 50, you have a whole life ahead. It's too soon to give up. Also, we want a healthy and happy life, not just a long one. This comes from doing things we love and continuously trying new things. Unless you're 80+ years old, you have multiple decades to go. You are not too old.

4. Fear of Judgment

We worry about what other people will think of us all the time. "What if they think I'm stupid?" "What if they think I'm a failure?" That's why many people have imposter syndrome. Although it's hard to get rid of these thoughts, focusing on why you are doing it, not what others will think of you, can help navigate these feelings.

One of the common worries, especially among women, is, "What if they think I'm not a nice person?" I know a few people who were always kind, caring, and thoughtful—very nice people. But they shared how it bothered them and felt they couldn't do anything about it because expressing their needs would make them seem rude or bad. It's good to be nice, but not at the expense of expressing your needs. This teaches others that it's okay to treat you without respect. The truth is, we need to teach others how to treat us, and that doesn't make us bad people.

Breaking Free

Knowing or wanting is the start, but without actually doing, it never gets done. We often find ourselves hesitant to do what we want, scared of doing something we love. Navigating this is key for a happy and successful life. What's one thing that scares you that you will do this week?

Think Bigger - Core Principle in the WLC

 There are 5 core principles in the Women Leaders Community. The third is "Think Bigger".

There were a few times I was extremely stressed from work. Once, it was due to a workaholic leader; another time, it was a leader who didn’t keep their word; yet another time, it was a leader who didn’t understand my field and kept asking for the wrong things. Sometimes, it was because of politics, lies, and betrayals that made me feel like I was in a movie.

Early Challenges

The earlier times were more stressful because my options were limited to finding a new job either within the same company or elsewhere. Either way, it took a lot of effort, time, and luck. I felt like I had to endure the situation until I found a different job. I didn’t know when that might happen and felt like I might be stuck forever. Quitting wasn't an option.

Then my husband said, "You know you can just quit. You can look for another job afterward. We can survive it."

Once I heard that, it made sense. But the thought had never occurred to me before. Suddenly, I felt better. "In the worst case, I can quit, even if I don’t have another job." Now enduring the stress was less hard, knowing I had the option to quit if things got too bad.

In the end, I never quit without having another job lined up. Just having another option made a huge difference.

Think Bigger

Thinking bigger is similar. It’s not about being ambitious or wanting bigger things, but about having more options. You may or may not end up using those options, but having them can help you get through tough times. Here are ways to think bigger.

1. Be Thorough in Your Options

As a data scientist, we often deal with legacy databases. Sometimes, trying to clean and improve them makes our work more efficient. But sometimes, the tables and processes are so intertwined and messy that it’s easier and faster to recreate all databases from scratch.

Creating all databases from scratch sounds more daunting than improving and cleaning up, but having that option can make the problem simpler.

2. Question Everything

Be thorough in considering all options. You might think some options are impossible and not even consider them. In my example, the option of just quitting didn’t occur to me. If I had sat down and written all the options, I might have thought of it. When we don’t think thoroughly, our brains only present what seems "possible," filtering out some options as not good. Don’t accept what your brain throws at you; be thorough and have a structured way of considering all options.

Question all assumptions. Why is it impossible? What if it’s possible?

Continuing from the example, the biggest fear of quitting is usually money. I was in that boat, and I see many people experiencing the same. "I don’t have the money to do that." When I ask, "How much money do you need? Do you have that money in savings?" the answer is often yes, they technically have that money. But the idea of losing income for a while or seeing their savings decrease is too scary. It’s the fear itself, not the actual financial situation, that blinds them to see things clearly. Question everything. Question obvious things. Imagine you are an alien just landed on earth, curious about everything, not knowing any customs or common sense. Question everything.

3. Be Creative

Expose yourself to something unfamiliar so your brain, the natural neural network, has an opportunity to connect neurons that don’t usually get connected. That’s where creative ideas come from.

There are many indirect and slow ways to inspire creativity, like traveling to new places, visiting museums, reading books outside your usual genre, or learning a new instrument or language. However, these methods are slow and may not help with immediate problems.

When you feel stuck with a specific problem, pick a random keyword, something out of the blue, and try to brainstorm with that theme.

For example, the keyword could be "dragon" (or "fairy" or "Antarctica"). Brainstorm about the stressful work situation with "dragon." What does a dragon do when stressed? They blow fire. What is my fire? What can I blow at them? Ideas like that.

This method only works if you take it seriously and really brainstorm.

4. Do Scary Things

As an extension of being creative, put yourself into uncomfortable situations. It’s your experiment, and you know you’re safe because it’s your experiment.

Last year, I realized I not only avoided talking to strangers but also had a fear of it. When I thought of talking to a stranger, I got scared. My brain tried to convince me it was stupid: "What good would come of it? What’s the point?" So, I decided to talk to strangers.

I asked a lady mountain biker if anyone could do trail biking if they knew how to ride a bike or if special training was needed. The lady seemed annoyed by such a stupid question, mumbled something about joining a club to learn, and walked away. It could be considered a failure, but it didn’t bother me much. It was my experiment to see how she’d respond, and I collected my answer and accomplished my mission. It was a success. I continued to do similar things for a week.

Doing scary things doesn’t mean you have to bungee jump or skydive. It could be small scary things.

Conclusion

Thinking bigger isn’t about wanting bigger things but having more options. By being thorough, questioning everything, being creative, and doing scary things, you can navigate tough times and find new paths. What's one thing you will think bigger?

Invent Your Ideal Role - Core Principle in the WLC

There are 5 core principles in the Women Leaders Community. The second is "Invent Your Ideal Role".

We are trained to choose from given options. I spent my teenage years studying for the college entrance exam. I still remember my elementary school teacher saying, "It's only 10 years left until your college entrance exam. You think it's a long time (well, we were 10 years old, so yes, it felt like a lifetime away), but 10 years is very short. You have to start preparing now."

The Problem with Given Options

All the questions in my college entrance exam involved choosing one answer out of four given choices. Sometimes it was about picking the correct answer; other times, it was about identifying the wrong one. It didn’t always make sense, but I practiced for years and got good at it. Then we had a handful of options for which college to attend and which major to choose. In the private sector, we pick our next job from all the open job postings, choose the ones that seem most correct for us, apply, and hope to be selected.

Since childhood, we have been trained to choose from given options, so most people don’t think about what other options might exist.

Mentoring Experiences

While I was in the industry, I mentored over 200 graduate students and early career professionals. When I asked them about their career goals, 99% mentioned a company or a title. They said things like, "My dream is to work for companies like Google," or "I want to be promoted," or "I want to be a manager." Then I asked, "What’s something you can’t do now but could do at that company or in that title?"

That's when they started to get frustrated. They wanted tips and advice from me, but I was asking difficult questions. They didn't like it. I understand their frustration.

Only two people out of over 200 had an answer. Their answers were vague, and even they weren't fully satisfied with their explanations. But when we discussed choices, they could tell if those choices were closer to or further from their dreams. That’s how dreams usually manifest in people. It's like an inner compass that tells us "hot" or "cold," helping us correct our paths without giving us turn-by-turn instructions.

The Importance of Vision

As a hiring manager, I always asked candidates why they wanted to leave their current company. About 98% said they felt there was no growth opportunity. I would ask what kind of growth opportunities they were looking for and what they had done about it. About 90% couldn’t answer, but 10% said they had tried various things and decided they didn’t have those opportunities at their current company. These 10% were clear about the opportunities they wanted as part of their career journey. They might not have been able to describe their dreams precisely, but they had dreams. Because of that, they showed more genuine passion when their work aligned with their dreams.

Everyone knows why it's important to have a goal. There’s a story about an old man and a young man who bet on who could walk the straightest path towards a tree in the distance. It was the day after a snowfall, so they could measure their paths by the footsteps in the snow. The young man took one step at a time, trying to keep each step straight. The old man looked at the tree and walked straight towards it without looking at the ground. Whose footsteps do you think was more straight?

I'm sure you got this: the answer is the old man. He may not have taken the most straight steps between steps, but he always walked towards the tree. Sometimes he was a little off, but he corrected his path quickly. The young man, focusing on each step, ended up far from the tree.

All companies have a vision, like the tree, acting as an inner compass. As long as we focus on that, we know what the best decision is. Similarly, we can tell if it's right decision or not only when we know our own vision, like the tree.

Setting Steps

However, a vision is not always clear. It can be vague, more like a feeling of getting closer or further away. To know if you are on the right track, you need to keep moving. These movements are like steps, little goals or targets. It's important to have many steps, many little goals, to check your direction and adjust your course.

Not only do people often lack a clear vision, but they also don't set steps. They want to jump to the tree without walking.

When I say "invent your ideal role," I’m talking about these steps. It may be a usual step, a bit off, a step backward, or even a misstep. But be creative; invent something that didn’t exist before. If it’s not right, that’s okay; you have the next step.

Personal Experience

After working in a job for a few years, people say they are bored and need a change. They look for something more exciting externally, like changing projects, teams or companies. That might be what you need eventually, but I suggest thinking about the changes you want and applying them where you are as much as possible. Set little goals, experiment, and learn from them. It's hard to get bored that way.

I once worked under a workaholic leader and struggled with work-life balance. I wanted to leave for a better job with less workload and a more understanding leader. However, the thought of encountering a similar leader again and running away again stopped me. I had a few ideas and decided to try them out. If they didn't work, then I would leave. After trying them, things seemed to improve for a few weeks but then reverted. I had another idea, and I tried that too. This cycle continued, and three years later, I was no longer afraid of workaholic leaders or high demands. Not only that, but I was also protecting my team from unrealistic demands.

I invented my ideal role where I could maintain a reasonable workload, no matter how much was expected of me. It may still have been too much for some people, but it was reasonable for me.

Conclusion

What is your ideal role? What is your next step to experiment with?

Realize Your Power - Core Principle in the WLC

There are 5 core principles in the Women Leaders Community. The first is "Realize Your Power"

Confidence Is a Result of Courage

In coaching sessions, many people express a desire for confidence. They have something they want to do, but they lack the confidence to do it. I tell them, what they need is courage not confidence, because confidence is a result of doing the scary things.

Many women shares the self-confidence issue. Often we face double standards. Of course we should be strong leaders and professionals, but at the same time, we should be feminine, kind and caring. Of course we should be strong performers at work, but at the same time we should be good mothers, wives and daughters by the standards from a time when women weren't allowed careers.

These conflicting expectations not only make women exhausted and burned out, but also lead to self-doubt. "I'm successful in my career, but I'm not a perfect mother, so, I'm a failure." "I am a good mother, but I didn't advance enough in my career, so I'm a failure." "I am a good performer, but I am too bossy, so I'm a failure." Sounds familiar?

Many women I know moved to a foreign country for a better life. Many women I know worked hard and earned advanced degrees. Many women I know pursued careers in a foreign language or switched industries. Many women I know are often the only women in the room. Plus most of them raised a family at the same time.

Despite all these achievements, I often hear, "Well, everybody does it". First of all, it's not true. Second, think about marathon finishers. Not everybody can finish a marathon, but many do finish the marathon. Do we call finishers failures because they were not the first to finish? I don't know about you, but I do respect all the marathon finisher and even the people who tried even if they didn't finish. Why do we respect marathoners in running, but not showing the same respect and cheer for the marathoners in life?

When these amazing women say they can't do it, I remind them of their moments in the past: the moment they took action in the face of fear, the moment they took a risk without knowing what the result would be, the moment they went through huge challenges and endured them for a bigger goal. Then they start to remember how powerful they are and regain their confidence.

Courage Stems from Purpose

Many people share stories about how they were so scared to do something, like saying no to others or asking a question to a stranger, but now they find it easier. The reason they found it easier is because they had courage to actually do those things and learned that it didn't kill them.😉

There is a famous story about a man who had a fear of rejection and planned to be rejected 100 times. He documented his 100 rejection experiments and became famous for it. He mentioned many insights he learned and tips. But my biggest surprise was, even though his requests were very unusual, well he wanted to be rejected, he got surprisingly many yeses.

But still, there is one thing missing. Behind the courage to face fear is the purpose. Some people said it was probably easier for him because he planned and expected his rejections. There's some truth to that. But the bigger reason he did all this is because he had a purpose: to overcome his fear of rejection.

Have you ever suddenly found the courage to do challenging things when you have a purpose? I came to the US alone, knowing no one, and my English was so poor I couldn't order a sandwich at Subway. I studied PhD level physics in English, with people who don't even know where Korea was. Now that I think back, that was a scary journey. But at that time, I was so focused on getting a PhD in Physics in the US, the challenges were just part of the journey.

An Asian women developed a fear of sharing her opinions after experiencing Asian hate and sexism a few times. She was furious about her experience, but was too scared to speak up and fight against it. Then she realized that if she didn't do anything, her daughters will experience the same thing. That realization gave her instance courage. She was no longer afraid to share her voice and fight.

Realize Your Power & Purpose

Knowing your power gives you confidence. Knowing your purpose gives you courage. They are the important first steps to sculpt your own success.

Next time, we'll talk about inventing your ideal role.

Sculpting Your Own Success

Exploring the Women Leaders Community program

The flagship program of Kim Coaching Group is the Women Leaders Community. It was designed since last spring, and so far, there have been 3 units and 15 sessions with handful of participants. Based on all the learnings, I have redesigned the program and am launching it this September. I’m excited about these changes and want to share more with you.

The goal of Women Leaders Community is to help competent women to sculpt their own success. 

Sculpting their own success has two key steps: design your own success and then sculpting it to make it real. Many people focus on the latter, but the first is actually harder.

Know What You Really Want

In my interviews, coaching sessions, and mentoring, I've found that very few people have career dreams that extend beyond titles or ranks. Most people say, "I want to be promoted", or "I want to be a people manager", and when I ask why, they often reply because it's the next step. Others express a desire to "learn more and grow", but can seldom specify what they want to learn or what growth means to them.

Only about 2% of people know what they want. Their dreams often involve initiating projects that no one else is addressing but they believe is important for the company or mastering new skills that are emerging in their industry but are not yet being utilized at their companies.

Title Is Not Your Dream

Do you see the difference? These 2% of people don't mention title or rank, they focus on what they want to create. It's easier to sculpt it out if you see what you want clearly. For the people who want promotions, I challenge them with this question: What do you want to do after the promotion that you can't do right now? This often proves to be a difficult question, leaving many unable to answer and some even getting frustrated.

We spend our childhood in school, where we learn to follow directions and choose from given options. As adults, many people still live like that. People still wait for promotions like they're automatic grade advancements. It doesn't work that way.

Choose Your Role in the Play 

The roles people play at companies are more like a play. Someone plays a king, someone plays a servant. If the play is about a young king with a wise old servant, a more experienced actor will play the servant, and a new less experienced actor will play the king. King, servant, these are just the roles. We don't evaluate actors based on which role they play, but how well they play the roles.

Choose Your Game

Sometimes, I feel like we are all thrown to play one game. Some are good at the game and enjoy the game. But many others like to play other games. But they are afraid to leave this game to play a different game because they don't see others do it. It seems too scary. It's not like they have confidence they would be good at the other game either, because they have never done that.

Craft Your Unique Role

I don't believe everybody needs to dream big and be ambitious. I believe we can all find the right game for us which we can enjoy, the right role that will shine us and fun for us. However, some people are just afraid to play the game they really want to. That's what I want to help.

I encourage people to invent their ideal roles, instead of trying to choose one out of the given options. All the options, the roles, job descriptions, org structures were written by someone. It's not something you have to follow like a law. Invent your ideal role. Invent your ideal org structure. That's the part sculpt artist see the object they want to sculpt inside the piece of wood or other materials.

Think Bigger

Even if you see the object inside the material, it's hard to sculpt it out. We often feel too many constraints. I can't do this, I can't do that. I know that's all true, in the scope of vision they see.

Have you experienced that it's easier to solve a 10x problem than a 2x problem? For example, when we think about improving performance by 2x, often we try to make small adjustments. But when we think about 10x, we often think a whole new thing from scratch. And sometimes, we realize it's actually easier than the small adjustments.

I challenge people to think outside of the box, 10x point of view, to increase the scope of vision. Not to make problems bigger, but to increase options. The more options you have, the higher chance of a better solution.

Unlearn Limiting Rules

But these can be scary to actually try. There are a lot of rules we imposed to ourselves. Some are from our parents and teachers when we were young, some are from ourselves to protect ourselves as a child. Many of them are still good, protect you, and help you succeed. So keep them. But some of them may not work for you anymore. Because you are grown up, you are in a different situation now. The re-evaluations on the rules that you may not even know you have is important. Because they usually work in your subconscious, and could hold you back.

The Role of Fear

And we have many fears. Fear is not a bad thing; it actually protects us often. When a baby starts to walk, they get strong attachment to their caregiver and become afraid of other people they are not familiar with. That's to prevent the babies from walking away too far from their caregivers. It protects them.

Most humans instinctively react with fear when we encountering a long, slender object coiled into spirals. Most likely it's a hose, but there is a slight chance that it's a snake which can kill us. So it's safer to assume it's a snake, even if the chance is low, until we confirm that it's a hose.

Other People's Opinion

We are afraid of others' opinions. A long time ago, when people lived together in small tribes, being disliked by the group could lead to being expelled. This meant having to survive alone in the wild, which most likely resulted in death. The fear of other's opinion evolved as a survival mechanism to keep us safe and accepted within our tribe.

The good news is that we live in a much safer time, but we sill have those fear as our instinct. We don't have to be fearless in everything, some of them still protect us, but removing some fears that really hold you back can help you be happier and more fulfilled.

Competent Women to Sculpt Their Success

Sculpting our success is something many people share as their desire and sometimes struggle. However, the Women Leaders Community is only for competent women.

The main reason is that although these are very common challenges many people share, the details of the challenges vary depending on their gender, ethnicity, age and more. I noticed mid career women share very similar challenges, regardless of ethnicity. While others do show slightly different challenges. What's why I focus on competent women, who have worked hard and achieved things in their lives, but want to make another pivot.

Check Out the Women Leaders Community Program

This is what I've been doing in the Women Leaders Community. We offer ways to continue this journey, because it's a journey not a one time thing. My hope is more people live the life they want, and don't regret at the end of their lives. If it resonate, check the website out for more information.