How to Deal with a Mean Coworker without Losing Your Cool

Have you ever felt your chest tighten after a meeting with that colleague? People can fuel joy, laughter, and momentum. They can also trigger stress, frustration, and real pain. Many of my clients come to me because they are struggling with someone at work who feels mean: dismissive comments, a cutting tone, interruptions mid-sentence, microaggressions, or quiet undermining that slowly chips away at confidence.

These moments can make you feel undermined, ashamed, and angry.

When we feel those things, our brain goes straight into protection mode.

It wants to defend us, often by assuming the worst about the other person.

If you have ever thought:

• “He doesn’t think I’m capable.”
• “She is treating me differently because I’m a woman.”
• “He is trying to make me look bad.”
• “They just don’t respect me.”

You are not alone. These thoughts are normal. They come from a desire to stay safe. But reacting from that place without slowing down often leaves us more hurt, more frustrated, and with less power to change things.

Below is the process I guide clients through to regain emotional ground, stay effective, and teach others how to treat them.

This approach does not excuse bad behavior.

It gives you the power to respond with clarity, not fear or anger.

Step 1: Separate What Actually Happened From the Story in Your Head

When clients first describe a situation, it often sounds like this:

• “He is just a mean person.”
• “She thinks I am useless.”
• “He talks down to me because I am new.”
• “She is undermining me.”

These interpretations make sense, but they are interpretations, not facts.

To get clarity, I always ask:

“What did they literally say and do, word for word?”

This part is uncomfortable, because when you strip away the meaning your brain created, the situation often sounds different.

Example 1

• You: “We have this problem.”
• Them: “What is your plan?”
• Your brain may say: “He thinks I do not have a plan. He does not trust me. He is doubting my capability.”

Example 2

• You: begin sharing an idea.
• Them, interrupting: “I do not think that is the right direction.”
• Your brain may say: “He did not even hear me. He does not respect me. He does not value my voice.”

I get it. The tone, timing, and body language matter. They often trigger emotional meaning and old experiences.

But by pulling apart 1) what was literally said and 2)what I interpreted that to mean, you create space to think clearly.

Most clients already feel calmer here, because the nervous system is no longer driving the moment.

Step 2: Possible Reasons That Have Nothing To Do With Me

The next step is to consider reasons that are not about you.

This does not mean excusing the behavior. It means removing a filter so you can see more possibilities.

Ask:

“What are other reasons someone might act this way that have nothing to do with me?”

For example:

• They are under pressure about the project.
• They think they are being efficient or “doing their job.”
• They do not realize it comes off harsh.
• They were taught this is “strong leadership.”

Before this step, many clients are sure the person has a bad intention toward them.

After this step, at least the possibility exists that the behavior is not about them. This is huge. You can put down your guard, stop being defensive, and choose a response that serves you.

This step is not about giving people excuses.

It is about considering all possibilities so you can regain your power.

Step 3: Inform With Curiosity

Now you can face what actually happened.

Name what they did. Name how it made you feel. Then get curious about what they are worried about or trying to solve.

Use two parts:

1. describe the observable behavior and your feeling

2. ask a curious question to understand the real concern

Example 1: “When you asked for my plan right away, I felt like you did not trust my ability to handle it. What are your real concerns here?”

Example 2: “When you interrupted me mid-sentence and changed the topic, I felt ignored and ashamed. What made you think that approach was not the right answer?”

In this way, they know what they did, which is a fact, and how it made you feel, which is your experience. Many people do not know how their behavior lands. Often they say they did not realize and that it was not their intention.

By asking questions with the intention to understand and support, they may open up about their real concern. You can then help address it. This is the beginning of a new relationship.

Step 4: Teach Them How To Treat You

If they simply did not know their behavior hurt you, share how you want to be treated. This is not an order. It is guidance. They can choose to do it or not, but at least they know your standard.

Example 1: “Next time, when you have a concern, I would appreciate it if you share the concern directly instead of asking whether I have a plan.”

Example 2: “Next time, if you think my idea is not aligned with your direction, please explain why so I can understand and come back with a better idea. I want our team to be successful.”

Healthy boundaries look like this. Clear. Respectful. Actionable.

Emergency: Make a Plan

In rare situations, you may not know how to respond in the moment.

Once, a new business partner I had never met got angry and yelled at me in our first meeting. He claimed I was lying and not doing my job. I knew he had a misunderstanding and I tried to explain, but he was not in a state to hear me. I kept trying to resolve it and it was emotionally exhausting. I was shaking and it took a few days to calm down.

After that, I made a plan. You can make your own plan too.

The plan is simple. Decide a phrase you will use. Practice it. Then use it to create time and space.

It can be short: “Ouch. That hurts.”

Or a little longer: “I cannot talk to someone who is yelling. Let us talk again when things are calm.”

Then walk away if needed. This buys you time to think about what you want to do next. It is okay to walk away from a situation that feels threatening to you.

Knowing your phrase in advance gives your nervous system something to hold onto when you need it most.

Final Thought

When someone’s words or tone hurt, your nervous system jumps in to protect you with assumptions, stories, judgment, and armor. That does not make you weak. It makes you human.

This four-step process helps you:

• regain emotional control
• see the situation clearly
• protect yourself without shrinking
• invite healthier behavior
• maintain your leadership presence

You deserve to be spoken to with respect.

You can advocate for that with clarity and courage. Real strength is not reacting the fastest. Real strength is choosing your response with intention.

Expectations vs. Agreements

We walk through life carrying invisible weights. Some we notice, most we do not. Among the heaviest are expectations. We expect our team to deliver on time, our partner to understand us, our children to meet certain standards, our colleagues to show up prepared. We rarely question this habit. What if expectations are quietly damaging our relationships, our peace, and our leadership?

There is another way. Instead of expectations, choose agreements. The shift sounds simple. It changes everything.

Why Expectations Hurt

Expectations feel normal because everyone has them. Normal is not the same as healthy. Here is how expectations work: you decide in your mind what someone else should do, then wait to see if they comply. Nothing is co-created. You set the bar and watch.

When someone meets your expectation, you feel nothing because you expected it. When they fall short, you feel disappointed, betrayed, or angry. Either way you lose. The result is emptiness or resentment.

I worked with a organization where morale had collapsed. Leaders walked the floor expecting quotas to be met, quality to hold, deadlines to be kept. Employees resented them. They were understaffed and overwhelmed. Everyone was miserable.

The people were not the problem. The expectations were. Leaders expected performance without sitting down to create agreements about what was actually possible.

Expectations are:

• Reactive, not creative
• Fear-based and anxiety-producing
• One-sided and avoidant
• A setup for disappointment or indifference
• Rebellion-inducing

If someone told you, “I expect you to be on time,” notice your body’s response. Warmth and openness, or tightening and defense? Human beings are not here to live up to others’ expectations. Deep down we know it. That is why expectations breed resistance, not cooperation.

👉 Reflection: Who are you most disappointed in right now? What expectation are you holding?

The Power of Agreements

An agreement is different. It is co-created. You sit down and ask, “What can I count on?” You listen to what they need from you to make it happen. You negotiate. You both shape the outcome.

A frustrated leader met with his foreman.

Leader: “Do you agree to have the next job ready by Friday?”

Foreman: “I would like to, but I am understaffed. I cannot promise Friday.”

Leader: “What can you promise for sure?”

Foreman: “With one extra person, Friday. Without that, next Tuesday.”

Leader: “I will give you one extra person. With that, what can I count on?”

Foreman: “Friday.”

They shook hands. That is an agreement. It is stronger than an expectation because both people authored it and invested in it. Here is the surprising part: people keep their agreements.

Agreements are:

• Creative and collaborative
• Courageous, requiring both parties to show up
• Clear and specific
• Honoring to both people
• Built on mutual responsibility

People do not like breaking their word, especially when they helped shape it. Honor matters.

👉 Reflection: Think of one recurring frustration at work or home. What agreement could you create to change it?

Expectations in Personal Relationships

If expectations strain workplaces, they devastate personal relationships. At home, expectations multiply: make me feel loved, appreciate me, know what I need without asking, be romantic and warm, remember everything.

Unspoken expectations create a minefield. Disappointment triggers fights and resentment.

I have been with my husband for over fifteen years. We have never had a fight. Clients are shocked. It is not because I am a saint. It is because I do not hold expectations of him.

Fighting happens when expectations flood your emotions. You expected something, did not get it, and now you lash out to relieve your hurt by hurting the other person. What if you did not expect anything? What if, when something mattered, you created an agreement?

Imagine coming home with zero expectations. No expectation of dinner, mood, cleanliness, or a warm greeting. You arrive open, curious, present. Anything positive becomes a delight. Anything neutral is fine. With no expectation, there is nothing to be disappointed about.

From that openness, if something important is not working, seek an agreement: “Can we agree to a baseline of kindness in how we speak to each other? The same respect we show our friends?”

👉 Reflection: What expectations are you carrying into your closest relationship? What would change if you released them?

The Many Forms of Expectations

Expectations often hide inside “reasonable standards.”

At work

• “Reply to my emails within an hour.”
• “Attend every meeting on time.”
• “Hit these numbers.”

At home

• “Help with the kids without being asked.”
• “Remember our anniversary.”
• “Make me feel appreciated.”

With yourself

• “I expected this job to be better.”
• “I expected my life to look different by now.”
• “I expected to be happier.”

Each expectation becomes a small prison. You wait for reality to match your picture. When it does not, you suffer. When it does, you feel nothing.

The alternative is not lower standards. It is higher-quality communication. Create agreements that honor everyone involved.

How to Shift from Expectations to Agreements

This shift takes courage. You take full responsibility for your happiness, results, and relationships. You lose the option to blame others for not meeting what you never co-created.

1. Notice your expectations. Disappointment is your signal. Ask: What was I expecting? Did I communicate it? Did the other person agree?

2. Let go of the unnecessary ones. You do not need expectations to live well. Be open, present, and respond to what actually happens.

3. Create agreements where it matters. If something affects your work, peace, or relationships, do not expect it. Agree on it. Ask what they can commit to. Share what you need. Negotiate.

4. Make agreements specific and mutual. “What can I count on?” invites partnership. “Will you do this?” imposes demand.

5. Honor agreements. When someone keeps their word, acknowledge it. When they do not, stay calm: “We agreed on this. What happened?” Open dialogue, not judgment.

6. Be willing to renegotiate. Circumstances change. Update the agreement to fit reality.

👉 Action Step: Choose one expectation you are holding right now. Release it or turn it into an agreement.

What Happens When You Let Go

When you release expectations, your energy shifts. You stop living in low-grade anxiety, bracing for disappointment. You become lighter, more curious, more alive.

You also become a better leader. Expectation-driven leaders breed fear and compliance. Agreement-driven leaders build trust and ownership. People keep their word when they helped create it.

In personal life, letting go of expectations is like removing a mask. You see the person in front of you as they are, not as you demand they be. Every kind gesture becomes an unexpected pleasure.

Life fills with unexpected pleasures when you stop expecting anything at all.

Closing Thought

You have two choices in every relationship, at work and at home. Walk around with expectations and collect disappointments, or create agreements that honor everyone involved.

Expectations drain joy and erode trust. Agreements create clarity, courage, and respect. This week, release one expectation. Notice what opens. If something truly matters, sit down and create an agreement. The difference changes everything.

Outreach Tips for Building New Connections

Networking is more important than ever when it comes to creating opportunities. But reaching out to someone you don’t know can feel intimidating.

The key question to ask yourself is: Why would this person make time for me?

If your request feels too big or unclear, it can create discomfort. If they don’t know what you want to talk about, they may hesitate to respond. Make your request clear and specific so they can easily imagine what the conversation will be about. When people know what to expect, they’re much more likely to say yes.

• Keep it short—ask for 20 minutes. It’s long enough to have a meaningful conversation but short enough to feel like a small ask. And if things go well, it can naturally extend to 30 minutes, as most meetings start on the hour or half-hour.
• Make it easy to say yes. Most professionals are happy to help, but asking for a referral, resume review, or introduction right away can feel like too much. Instead, start by asking for insights and advice—this makes the conversation feel lighter and more enjoyable.
• Be upfront about your topic. If you say you want to talk about their career journey, stick to it—don’t surprise them with a request for a job. However, if the conversation naturally flows into that, great!

Think of this as opening a relationship, not just a one-time conversation. The most important thing is leaving a strong impression—that you’re smart, capable, and great to work with. That way, when opportunities come up in the future, they’ll think of you.

Here Are Some Ways You Can Request a Chat

Now that you know how to approach these conversations, here are six ways to phrase your request depending on the situation. Try the approach that feels right for you, and test it out. If you’re reaching out to multiple people, track what works best across industries, functions, and company sizes—you might notice interesting patterns!

1️⃣ Interest in Their Role/Experience

👉 “I’m interested in a role similar to yours at [Company] and would love to hear about your experience. What do you enjoy most, and what challenges have you faced? I have a few questions and would appreciate your insights. Would you be open to a 20-minute chat?”

2️⃣ Reference Their Work or Thought Leadership

👉 “I read your work on [topic] and found it really insightful. I have a few questions about your approach and some ideas I’d love to get your thoughts on. Would you be open to a 20-minute chat?”

3️⃣ Mutual Connection or Common Interest

👉 “I was speaking with [mutual connection], and they mentioned you’d be a great person to learn from about [topic]. I’d love to hear how you approached [specific challenge or transition] and ask a few quick questions. Would you be open to a 20-minute chat?”

4️⃣ Specific Career Transition or Advice

👉 “I’m transitioning into [industry/role] and noticed you made a similar move from [previous role] to [current role]. I’d love to hear what helped you the most during that transition and ask a few questions. Would you be open to a 20-minute chat?”

5️⃣ Company or Team-Specific Interest

👉 “I’ve heard great things about [Company], especially [specific aspect—e.g., its reputation, culture, or innovation in X]. I’d love to learn more about what it’s like to work there and how your team approaches [relevant topic]. Would you be open to a 20-minute chat?”

6️⃣ Direct & Concise Approach

👉 “I admire your work in [industry/field] and would love to learn from your experience. Specifically, I’d love to ask about [topic, e.g., how you navigated leadership growth in tech]. Would you be open to a 20-minute chat?”

Build Relationships That Open Doors

Networking isn’t just about one conversation—it’s about building long-term relationships. Every great career opportunity starts with a connection, and the more conversations you have, the more doors you open.

If you need help crafting the right message or navigating networking conversations, feel free to reach out—I’d be happy to help! 

The Secret to Influence

Have you ever had a great idea dismissed by your manager or partner?

Jessica felt this frustration firsthand. She discovered a gap where the company was losing tens of thousands of dollars annually and proposed to fix it. And she got no interest from her manager. She said, “they’re stupid not to see the opportunity”. “If I show that we are saving tens of thousands of dollars annually, and still they don’t care! How come?”

Jack, a former team member, had a similar experience. He proposed to me a solution to clean up the current system’s volatility and make it stable and scalable. I said no. And he had similar reaction, “how can you say no to the solution to fix this mess we deal with daily?”

Here is the truth. They saw one side of the problem, not the full picture.

The Missing Piece: Understanding Priorities

I asked Jessica, if her manager felt the pain when you pointed out that their company was losing tens of thousands of dollars annually. She said no with “can’t believe” energy. I asked, “so what is their pain right now?” She opened up her eyes big, and asked back, “what do you mean?” 

So I explained, yes, tens of thousands of dollars are big loss. But if the company is facing losing millions of dollars or having an opportunity to create millions of dollars more revenue, and if they are working on those projects, doesn’t it make sense that they don’t care about tens of thousands of dollars at this moment?

It may not be the real reason. But the key issue is that Jessica didn’t know what truly mattered to her manager.

Similarly, I explained to Jack, your proposal sounds good, but it requires the entire data science team to work on at least 6 months. Currently one person is working to maintain and improve the system. I’m willing to put more resources to improve the system faster, while we still deliver work to our partners. But, What would happen to the company if the entire data science team drop everything to improve the system for 6 months? 

The Myth About Influence

Many people believe that influence is about pushing their ideas onto others.

It’s completely wrong. Influence is about aligning with what they care about. Show them how your idea helps them achieve their goals.

How to Influence Effectively

1. Understand what they truly care about. What is their biggest priority right now?
2. Understand what they want to avoid. What are they most worried about?
3. Frame your idea as the best way to help them. Share a compelling story that connects your solution to their goals.

Most people struggle with influence because they don’t know what others truly care about. That’s why the first step is to talk to them—understand their challenges, their pressures, and the key players influencing their decisions. You might even change your own perspective along the way. And that’s okay—because true influence isn’t about proving your idea is right. It’s about finding the best solution for the bigger picture.

At Women Leaders Club, we explore how to step into leadership and create opportunities. At the end of the day, great leaders don’t just give orders—they inspire action.

Want to master the skill of influence? Join Women Leaders Club today.