Breaking Through Imposter Syndrome with Subha Shetty

I had the honor of interviewing Subha Shetty, a remarkable leader in the AI and tech space, to discuss imposter syndrome, particularly as it affects minority women leaders. Our conversation delved into the deep-rooted feelings of self-doubt that can persist despite external success and how those emotions manifest differently for women from diverse backgrounds.

Subha shared her inspiring personal journey, starting from her upbringing in a small, conservative town in South India to becoming a fractional Chief AI Officer and Product Officer at multiple startups in Silicon Valley. Despite her impressive achievements, she openly discussed how imposter syndrome has been a constant challenge, even when she reached leadership positions in companies like eBay and Walmart.

We explored how imposter syndrome is often misunderstood. Subha pointed out that it’s not about a lack of confidence but rather an internal belief that one’s success is undeserved, despite evidence to the contrary. This is something many high-achieving women experience, especially when the representation and relatable role models feel lacking.

One of the standout moments from the interview was Subha's story about a conversation with Indra Nooyi, the former CEO of PepsiCo, which transformed her perspective. Nooyi casually mentioned she didn't know much about the CPG industry when she started, but that didn’t stop her from becoming a powerhouse in the field. That moment normalized the struggle for Subha and reinforced the idea that even top leaders deal with self-doubt, making it okay to not have all the answers right away.

Throughout the interview, Subha shared valuable strategies for managing imposter syndrome, emphasizing the importance of preparation, self-awareness, and surrounding yourself with supportive mentors and networks. She reminded us that overcoming imposter syndrome is not about eliminating it entirely but learning how to manage and harness it in a productive way.

If you're interested in hearing more about Subha's strategies and her experiences as a woman leader overcoming imposter syndrome, watch the full interview here.

Do you know this woman?

She consistently delivers outstanding results but often goes unnoticed in the bustling office environment. Her hard work and productivity are unmatched, and she excels in her role with quiet confidence. In meetings, she rarely speaks up unless directly asked, but when she does, her deep knowledge shines through. Despite her expertise, she doesn’t volunteer her opinions or engage in debates, preferring to work independently. Socially, she maintains a distance, focusing intently on her tasks, leaving colleagues curious about the person behind the remarkable work.

She never asks for help, even when the workload is demanding, and she completes her tasks with impressive efficiency. Her self-reliance makes her an invaluable asset to the team, yet she seems isolated. She rarely volunteers for projects or seeks new opportunities, content to let her work speak for itself. This reluctance to step forward means many opportunities pass her by, unnoticed by both her and her peers. As a result, she may miss out on potential advancements and recognition that her talents deserve.

If you see this woman, consider how you might help her shine. Encourage her to share her ideas and acknowledge her contributions. Recognizing the quiet talent in your workplace can lead to incredible outcomes. One way to support her is by sharing information about the Women Leaders Community, a program designed for successful women ready to make their next big leap. This can help her become more visible and take charge of her potential. Look around your workplace and ask yourself—who might be the next woman to benefit from your encouragement and support?

Uncovering the Roots of Guilt and Anger: The Power of Ideal Roles

One of the biggest sources of guilt and anger is tied to the ideal roles we envision for ourselves. Whether it's as a mother, daughter, sister, friend, or any other role, we often have a picture in our head of how we should be. For me, part of being an ideal mother was ensuring my kids ate healthy meals. Yet, for nearly two years, I started my work meetings at 6 am. My son would wake up at 7 am, have cereal by himself, and head to school alone.

On one hand, I told myself he's old enough and becoming independent. But on the other hand, I felt guilty. When I talked to some friends, most of them resonated with my feelings. However, one friend asked, "Why feel bad about it? Doesn't everyone do that? My son does it all the time."

The guilt stems from our ideal role image. I felt guilty because I was violating my own ideal image of motherhood. But my friend didn't share that ideal, so she felt no guilt.

When you feel guilty about something, consider the ideal role you've imagined for yourself. Question its origins and its validity. Was it true centuries ago? Will it be true centuries from now? Is it true in other cultures?

If you're angry at someone, ask yourself: Do you like them, or do you just like them fulfilling your ideal role? Often, we say we're angry because we love them, but in reality, we're angry because they're not living up to the role we've envisioned.

One client of mine had an ideal role for her brother: he should care for their parents and put in as much effort as she did. When she felt he didn't, she became furious. Another client had an ideal role for her sister: they should be best friends. When her sister didn't want to talk to her, she felt angry at both her sister and herself.

Challenge yourself when you feel guilt or anger. What ideal role is causing these emotions? Is it helping you, or holding you back? And what will you do about it?

Embracing the Past: Understanding Emotional Time Trips

Welcome, everyone. Today, I want to introduce you to something I call the "Emotional Time Trip." You might not have heard of it before because it's a concept I came up with based on my experiences.

Let me share a recent Emotional Time Trip I had. Over the past year, as I started my own business, I've met many incredible women leaders. One day, a woman I spoke with suggested I reach out to another leader in the industry, someone so famous that she felt like a celebrity to me. I had seen her on TV and in webinars.

Until that moment, whenever I reached out to someone recommended by a mutual acquaintance, they always agreed to meet. So, you can imagine my excitement at the thought of speaking with this industry celebrity!

However, our communication didn't go smoothly from the start. I sensed a condescending tone, as if she were asking, "Who do you think you are?" It might have been all in my head, but that's how I felt.

Then, out of nowhere, a childhood memory flashed before me. I was a child, standing in front of a group of people, while my father introduced me as someone not particularly good at anything. I heard the same words, "Who do you think you are? Be humble; you are nobody."

The situations were completely different and unrelated, but the emotions I felt were eerily similar. As a child, feeling unprotected by my parents was terrifying, almost life-threatening. Now, as an accomplished adult and leader, I felt that same fear.

This is what I mean by an Emotional Time Trip. Even though the childhood moment has nothing to do with what just happened, you're suddenly transported back in time, reliving that moment and feeling the emotions as if you were that child again.

If you can't relate to what I'm talking about, congratulations! You probably had a wonderful childhood. But if this resonates with you, and you've experienced similar time trips, stay with me.

Going back to my story, what surprised me was my reaction. Usually, I'm okay with hearing "no." Many people have said no to me, and it's fine. But in her case, my subconscious dredged up memories of my father, probably because I had put her on a pedestal, like a celebrity, not just a regular person.

So, what should I do? Two things: melt the candle and practice emotion disentanglement.

First, melting the candle. I read about the candle theory in a psychology book. Imagine you had a strong emotion as a child, like feeling unloved or compared to a sibling. These memories are like a candle burning, wax flowing down the sides. Then, you extinguish the flame, box up the candle, and store it deep in the attic of your mind. It might seem like it's gone, but one day, the box reappears, and the candle is just as it was when you put it away. The only way to remove that candle is to burn it off completely, which means facing those old memories and emotions again. It's tough, and I strongly suggest doing this with a therapist or coach.

Next, emotion disentanglement. Here's a story about one of my clients who felt repulsed by compliments. Most people love compliments, but they bothered her. We dug deeper and discovered that compliments reminded her of a time right after her mother's passing when her family overly praised her, causing jealousy among her cousins. She knew it was because of her mother's passing, and she felt abandoned and scared. Whenever someone complimented her, it brought up those feelings of fear and abandonment. Once she realized this, she started separating the two ideas: compliments and abandonment are unrelated. Her subconscious might still bring up fear as an automatic response, but now she has a tool to calm herself.

If you've experienced these emotional time trips, it means your inner child is still feeling strong emotions like fear or anger. Talk to your inner child, as an adult, and give them the support and love they deserve but didn't receive. Call them by their name, reassure them that it's okay, it's not their fault, and they did their best. Tell them that you're an adult now, and everything worked out well, and you will protect them, so they don't have to feel scared.

Give your inner child the unconditional love they deserve, the kind only you can give.

Meet the Saboteurs: Uncover These Popular Intruders in Your Mind

Hey there, seekers of self-improvement! 🌟 Ever felt like there's a little voice inside your head holding you back? Let's introduce you to some popular saboteurs, those sneaky voices that can impact your thoughts and emotions. Knowing them can help us catch their whispers faster, giving us the power and control to decide what to do with them.

Understanding these saboteurs is like shining a light in the dark corners of your mind. It helps you recognize their influence and regain control over your thoughts and emotions.

Meet the Saboteurs:

The 'Avoider' Saboteur 🍃🔜

• Shies away from conflict, often saying 'yes' to avoid confrontation.
• Downplays or deflects problems, leading to procrastination on challenging tasks.
• Struggles to say 'no,' preferring indirect or passive-aggressive expressions.
• Finds comfort in routines, often delaying difficult tasks.

The 'Stickler' Saboteur 📏✒️

• Punctuality is their trademark. ⏰
• Often opinionated and can come off as sarcastic. 🙄
• Always ready to fix any mess and constantly seeks self-control. 💼
• Highly sensitive to any form of criticism. 🛡️

The 'Pleaser' Saboteur 🤗💔

• Seeks acceptance and affection by always helping or pleasing others.
• Struggles to openly express their own needs, often sidelining them.

The 'Hyper-Rational' Saboteur 📚📉

• Possesses a profoundly active mind, which sometimes might seem a bit arrogant.
• Private and reserved, not often showcasing deep emotions.
• Acts as a spectator of chaos, always keen to analyze situations from afar.
• Masters the art of debate and skepticism.

Join us in the Women Leaders Community's upcoming second series starting on March 12, where we'll delve into the fascinating world of Adaptability & Resilience. During this series, you'll learn how to handle these saboteurs, gaining more energy and power to become adaptable and resilient leaders in your own life. Stay tuned for an exciting journey of self-discovery and personal growth! 🌱✨

What is Your Recognition Desire?

 The psychoanalyst Jacques Lacan referred to the desire for recognition from others as the "recognition desire." He suggested that even our deepest desires hidden in our subconscious are not entirely our own but are influenced by the expectations and recognition of others. He famously stated, "The unconscious is the desire of the Other."

When we want something, we often believe it's our own desire, but in reality, it may be driven by what others in society expect or value. We may think we've been living our lives for our own sake, but in truth, we might have been striving to meet the expectations and gain the approval of others.

Ironically, receiving praise can sometimes create immense pressure. When someone is praised, they might feel the need to maintain that level of performance to avoid disappointing others. There's a fear that if they fall short of those expectations, others might think, "Oh, it wasn't as impressive as I thought. Maybe I was wrong." In such cases, praise becomes a tool for judgment and control, a means to impose one's expectations on another.

When questions like, "Why am I living this way?" or "Is this really so important?" arise in our lives, we shouldn't simply dismiss them. Instead, we should take a moment to reflect on whether we are living the life we truly desire or if we are conforming to societal expectations. It's possible that we've sacrificed too much of our own aspirations to seek the recognition and praise of others. If that's the case, it could be a turning point in our journey to discover our true selves and the life we genuinely desire.

The more we understand ourselves, the more we can establish unshakable principles for our lives. People with such principles are less likely to be swayed by the recognition and praise of others. Like a spine supporting our bodies, strong principles uphold and sustain their lives.

This was the topic we discussed at this week’s Women Leaders Community session. Check it out if you want to find out more: [https://www.kimcoachinggroup.com/women-leaders-units] If you'd like to receive more insightful content like this, consider subscribing to our newsletter [https://tinyurl.com/3p6j2c2p].

Love Yourself Unconditionally

 Do you have someone or something in your life that you love unconditionally? For many, it's their children or their beloved pets.

Now, take a moment to gaze into the mirror or switch to selfie mode on your phone's camera. Look beyond the surface, beyond the wrinkles or gray hairs. Look deep inside yourself. Search for that inner child, the boy or girl who has been a part of you all these years, perhaps forgotten but always present. Feel the love for them just like your love for your children or pets. This inner child doesn't need to earn love or prove anything; they deserve unconditional love just as they are, but maybe they didn't receive it. Try to extend that same love to yourself.

If this feels challenging, it's okay; simply acknowledge it. It means your inner critics are putting up strong resistance. You might consider dedicating more effort to work on silencing those inner critics. Loving yourself unconditionally is like putting on an oxygen mask—it's not selfish; it's the most effective way to help others more effectively.

This was the profound topic we explored deeply this week at the Women Leaders Community. Check it out if you want to find out more: [https://www.kimcoachinggroup.com/women-leaders-units] If you'd like to receive more insightful content like this, consider subscribing to our newsletter [https://tinyurl.com/3p6j2c2p].

From Weariness to Awareness

Delivering my son through an unplanned C-section was my first experience on an operating table. I didn't have time to mentally prepare, and honestly, I was scared. The pain after the birth was intense. Every day, I'd make the painstaking journey to the infant ICU to see my baby boy. Each step was a challenge — I'd step, pause, and gather strength for the next.

The first day, as I focused on this grueling walk, my mom suddenly started fixing my patient gown, pointing out that my underwear was showing. Frustrated, I snapped at her, "I don't care about my underwear; I just need to focus on each step." A few days later, as I felt a bit stronger and walked more steadily to the ICU, I noticed my underwear peeping out again. I almost turned to my mom with a retort, "Hey, you see my underwear and do nothing?" But I stopped myself just in time.

This experience taught me an important lesson. When our energy is low, we have to channel whatever we have into a few key survival tasks — like managing pain or just walking. Tasks that seem simple when we're full of energy can feel monumental.

So, when you're exhausted, you might miss easy solutions to ease your load, sinking deeper into that fatigue. Have you ever had a great idea pop up during a relaxed walk or in a moment of rest? Exactly! Self-care isn’t just a luxury; it's essential. Without it, we might just miss the door right next to us that leads to a better life.

Talk to someone, take a walk, or even take a nap. Do one small thing for yourself today to recharge your energy. You'd be surprised how much of a difference it can make. You deserve that moment of peace, and who knows? It might just be the key to unlocking a brighter path ahead.

The Power of Empathy: Rethinking Confidence and Leadership

Introduction:

Confidence has long been regarded as a desirable trait, often associated with success and positive outcomes. However, is confidence always a reliable indicator of performance? In this blog post, we challenge the conventional belief that confidence is the key to success and explore the potential pitfalls of its manipulation. Drawing from personal experiences and observations, we shed light on the transformative power of empathetic leadership and the need for a shift away from harsh feedback.

The Illusion of Confidence:

It's natural to feel a surge of confidence when surrounded by positive affirmations and praise. The external validation fuels our belief in our abilities and propels us to perform at our best. Conversely, when confronted with criticism or doubt, our confidence can waver, affecting our performance negatively. This paradoxical relationship between confidence and performance raises an important question: Is confidence truly an accurate measure of competence?

The Dangers of Harsh Leadership:

In some circles, the prevailing belief is that harsh feedback, designed to elicit a sense of urgency and drive, can motivate individuals to work harder. However, our experiences and observations suggest a different outcome. When subjected to harsh leadership, individuals often become demotivated, anxious, and even resentful. The fear of failure and constant criticism can create a toxic environment that stifles creativity, collaboration, and growth.

Empathy as a Catalyst for Growth:

Instead of relying on manipulative tactics that exploit confidence, we advocate for a more empathetic approach to leadership. Empathy fosters a culture of trust, understanding, and support. By cultivating an environment where individuals feel safe to share their doubts and vulnerabilities, leaders can create opportunities for growth and development. Empathetic leaders recognize that growth comes not from harsh feedback, but from meaningful connections and encouragement.

The Power of Constructive Feedback:

Constructive feedback, delivered with empathy and respect, can be a powerful tool for growth. It focuses on identifying strengths, offering guidance for improvement, and nurturing individual potential. By providing a balanced perspective and focusing on the development of skills and competencies, leaders can inspire individuals to take ownership of their growth journey.

Conclusion:

Confidence, while important, should not be the sole measure of competence. True leadership lies in fostering an environment where empathy, understanding, and constructive feedback thrive. By embracing empathy and moving away from harsh leadership practices, we can create an atmosphere where individuals are motivated, empowered, and inspired to reach their full potential. Let us challenge the notion that confidence is manipulative and instead champion a leadership style rooted in empathy and growth. Together, we can transform the way we lead and create a more nurturing and successful work environment.