Play the Full Field

I was watching a soccer game years ago—don’t ask me which teams, I’m not a big fan. What stuck with me wasn’t the score but something a commentator said when a player received a yellow card late in the game.

“He has another yellow card he can use. It’s almost the end—he should play even more aggressively.”

Wait—use a yellow card? I always thought of it as a punishment. Something that meant: you did something wrong, now you better behave differently.

But the commentator saw it not as a punishment, but as a tool—something to use strategically to win the game.

That moment stayed with me.

We often hear that women “play too safe.” We use only a portion of the field. Meanwhile, others are out there playing the whole field—including yellow cards.

What It Means to Push

There’s a line from an old Korean drama that I often come back to. A manager was asked to fire all his employees. Instead, he sought legal advice to protect them. When the company found out, they threatened to fire him. His employees misunderstood him and withdrew support. Discouraged, he decided to just quit.

The labor lawyer asked him:

“You’re going to leave without even throwing one punch?”

Then he said something I’ll never forget:

“Some people will hit you back ten times harder. Others will step back. But you won’t know until you throw the first punch. Only then can you see where the line actually is. And only when you see the line, can you choose to cross it.”

In other words: you learn your real limits by testing them.

I experienced this myself when I was a postdoc doing research assigned by my professor. Around that time, the Higgs boson search was becoming a big deal, and there was an opportunity to join the effort at the lab.

Part of me hesitated—I felt I should talk to my professor first. But another part of me couldn’t help it. I raised my hand.

I was so nervous, I decided I’d only work on it in the evenings and weekends. But eventually, I needed to use work hours. I kept telling myself, just a few more weeks, and we’ll submit the paper.

Then one day, my professor walked into my office and said,

“Hojeong, I heard you’re working on the Higgs boson search.”

My heart dropped. I imagined him yelling. Firing me. I was on a visa—what would happen? A dozen fears flashed through my mind in a split second.

I barely got out a word.

Then he said,

“It’s great you took proactive action to work on such an important project. Great job. Keep it up.”

And he walked out.

I stood there frozen. That was the moment I realized:

sometimes the scariest boundary is the one I draw in my own mind.

Where Are You Holding Back?

Fast forward to now. I hear similar hesitations from clients all the time:

• “How do I tell the interviewer I want work-life balance?”
• “How can I let my boss know I’m exploring other roles?”
• “My boss keeps pinging me at night—what do I do?”

It’s as if wanting balance, exploring options, or spending evenings with family is somehow wrong.

So I ask them:

Will your work suffer because of your work-life balance, job search, or family time?

They always say no.

Then why are you asking for permission?

You don’t need to ask. You just do it.

If you really want to say something, say it matter-of-factly. Not asking permission. Not apologizing.

You’re not being selfish. You’re not betraying anyone.

You’re just playing the game more fully—using all the cards you have.

Look for the Clues

Where in your life do you find yourself saying things like:

• “I don’t want to bother them.”
• “They might get upset.”
• “It's not much. I can just do it.”

These are the whispers of fear. These are signs you may be playing it safe instead of playing it full.

What would change if you played the full field?

What might you discover if you found out where the boundary really is?

Throw your first punch.

Use the yellow card.

Play the whole damn field.

You might be surprised how much room you actually have.

When Everything Feels Like Too Much: A Gentle Way to Shrink the Fear

I hear from so many people lately that they’re feeling heightened anxiety and stress. They can’t sleep. They wake in the middle of the night worrying. They can’t relax. They stay relentlessly busy, trying anything to avoid the discomfort.

And it makes sense—look at what’s happening around us.

Mass layoffs. A brutally tough job market. DEI departments being dismantled. Federal employees let go without warning. Uncertainty is everywhere.

For high-achieving professionals who’ve worked so hard to build meaningful careers, it can feel especially disorienting.

When the world feels shaky, fear starts to grow louder.

What if I lose my job? What if everything I’ve worked for over the last 10 years was for nothing?

Black Dog

This reminds me of a beautifully illustrated children’s book called Black Dog by Levi Pinfold.

In the story, a family wakes one morning to find a terrifyingly large black dog outside their home. Each family member sees it and becomes more afraid than the last. They hide. They panic. And every time someone looks again, the dog seems even bigger.

But the youngest member of the family—Small Hope—does something different.

She walks outside. She meets the dog. She leads it through tight spaces and playful paths. And with each step, the dog gets smaller. By the time they return home, the massive creature is no longer frightening. It’s just a dog.

It’s a powerful metaphor. Fear grows when we avoid it. It shrinks when we face it.

But here’s the real question: How do we face the fear in our own lives?

Here’s a powerful exercise you can try on your own, especially when you feel overwhelmed:

“If That Happens, Then What?” Exercise

When you feel fear rising, 

1. Name it. Write it down.
2. Then ask: If that happens, then what?
3. Write the answer.
4. And ask again: Then what?
5. Repeat at least five times.

Example:

• I’m scared I won’t get a job I like soon.
• If that happens, then what?
• I might have to take a lower-paying job.
• Then what?
• I might not be able to cover all my expenses.
• Then what?
• I’d have to cut back, ask for help, or use savings.
• Then what?

Most people find that after this exercise, their fear shrinks. Sometimes it even disappears. Try it the next time things feel too big to handle.

At Women Leaders Club, we create space for high-achieving women to do exactly this: To shrink fear. To find clarity. To reconnect with what they truly want and go after it. If this resonates with you, I invite you to join us.

What Do You Do When Everything Is Falling Apart All at Once?

Have you ever felt like nothing is working, no matter how hard you try, and all you want to do is go home and cry? That’s exactly how I felt on my first day of pottery class.

Before that day, things were already building up.

Buildup 1:

I couldn’t run for two years due to health issues. When I finally completed my first 5K and 10K after almost two years of inactivity, I was overjoyed, even though my times were slower than before. The small signs of improvement gave me hope and kept me going. But then, I tried a challenging training program on my Garmin, which pushed me to my limits. After one particularly tough session, I got dizzy, had to lie down, and my legs were so sore that even touching them hurt. It felt like I was speeding down a highway, only to have a sudden blockade force me to slam on the brakes.

Buildup 2:

I was deeply fulfilled by helping people achieve their dreams faster through coaching. Hearing clients say my coaching changed their lives filled me with pride. But a week before my first pottery class, everything seemed to fall apart—no-shows, unexpected conversations, and a canceled collaboration plan left me feeling like I was driving full-speed toward a dead end.

Buildup 3:

I always tell people to have fun in life, so I tried ballet and wood carving this year. I wasn’t good at them, but that didn’t bother me. It was about having fun, not being perfect. But deep down, I felt a sense of shame about how bad I was.

The D-Day:

Then came the first day of pottery class. In class, we were given three clays to create three bowls. The teacher guided me through the first one, which turned out beautifully. The second attempt didn’t go as well; the teacher had to save me from multiple screw-ups. I was determined to do better with the third. Unfortunately, I messed up beyond recovery. The teacher kindly gave me another piece of clay, and I finally created a bowl I was proud of. But when I tried to remove it from the wheel, it was stuck—the base was too thin. By then, others were already cleaning up. I thought I’d be okay with just two pieces, but the teacher handed me yet another piece of clay.

As I sat there, alone, spinning the wheel, everything that had been going wrong hit me like a ton of bricks. My running wasn’t going well, my business felt stagnant, and even my attempts at fun hobbies were turning into failures. Memories of past failures flooded back—comments from coaches and teachers about my lack of progress and their disappointment in me.

My inner voice screamed, “It’s not working. I’m failing.” All I wanted was to go home, hide, and maybe cry.

Aftermath:

It had been a while since I felt that way, but the feelings were all too familiar. I was surprised by how quickly they overwhelmed me, but even more surprising was that this time, I didn’t fall for it. I heard my inner voice, but I didn’t accept it. I knew it wasn’t true. But still, the emotions were powerful, like trying to swim in a storm.

Have you ever felt this way before? If so, how did you manage to get through it? Here are a few strategies that have helped me:

1. Breathe and Acknowledge

Take a deep breath and acknowledge what’s happening. It doesn’t mean you’re a failure or weak—it’s just the emotion you’re feeling right now.

2. Focus on the Story You Want to Tell

Think about the story you want to tell about this moment. Will it be a story of failure, or will it be about your journey to success? I chose the latter and kept telling myself, “It will all work out somehow.” We’ve all had moments when things seemed impossible, but they worked out in the end. I’m reminding myself that this is one of those moments.

3. Go Outside and Get Some Sun

Sometimes, stepping outside into nature and soaking up some sun can change your mood. It boosts serotonin, the happy hormone. It usually works, but this time, it didn’t, so I moved to the next step.

4. Elevate Your Heart Rate

When you’re in fight-or-flight mode but there’s nothing to fight, it’s time to "run away"—literally. Exercise that elevates your heart rate, like running, cycling, or swimming, tricks your brain into thinking you’ve escaped the danger, and it’s okay now.

If you’re struggling with these feelings, coaching can provide the guidance and support you need to navigate tough times and find your way forward. If you’d like to explore how coaching can help you, let’s chat. And if you have other methods that work for you, please share so others can benefit too.

Sculpting Your Own Success

Exploring the Women Leaders Community program

The flagship program of Kim Coaching Group is the Women Leaders Community. It was designed since last spring, and so far, there have been 3 units and 15 sessions with handful of participants. Based on all the learnings, I have redesigned the program and am launching it this September. I’m excited about these changes and want to share more with you.

The goal of Women Leaders Community is to help competent women to sculpt their own success. 

Sculpting their own success has two key steps: design your own success and then sculpting it to make it real. Many people focus on the latter, but the first is actually harder.

Know What You Really Want

In my interviews, coaching sessions, and mentoring, I've found that very few people have career dreams that extend beyond titles or ranks. Most people say, "I want to be promoted", or "I want to be a people manager", and when I ask why, they often reply because it's the next step. Others express a desire to "learn more and grow", but can seldom specify what they want to learn or what growth means to them.

Only about 2% of people know what they want. Their dreams often involve initiating projects that no one else is addressing but they believe is important for the company or mastering new skills that are emerging in their industry but are not yet being utilized at their companies.

Title Is Not Your Dream

Do you see the difference? These 2% of people don't mention title or rank, they focus on what they want to create. It's easier to sculpt it out if you see what you want clearly. For the people who want promotions, I challenge them with this question: What do you want to do after the promotion that you can't do right now? This often proves to be a difficult question, leaving many unable to answer and some even getting frustrated.

We spend our childhood in school, where we learn to follow directions and choose from given options. As adults, many people still live like that. People still wait for promotions like they're automatic grade advancements. It doesn't work that way.

Choose Your Role in the Play 

The roles people play at companies are more like a play. Someone plays a king, someone plays a servant. If the play is about a young king with a wise old servant, a more experienced actor will play the servant, and a new less experienced actor will play the king. King, servant, these are just the roles. We don't evaluate actors based on which role they play, but how well they play the roles.

Choose Your Game

Sometimes, I feel like we are all thrown to play one game. Some are good at the game and enjoy the game. But many others like to play other games. But they are afraid to leave this game to play a different game because they don't see others do it. It seems too scary. It's not like they have confidence they would be good at the other game either, because they have never done that.

Craft Your Unique Role

I don't believe everybody needs to dream big and be ambitious. I believe we can all find the right game for us which we can enjoy, the right role that will shine us and fun for us. However, some people are just afraid to play the game they really want to. That's what I want to help.

I encourage people to invent their ideal roles, instead of trying to choose one out of the given options. All the options, the roles, job descriptions, org structures were written by someone. It's not something you have to follow like a law. Invent your ideal role. Invent your ideal org structure. That's the part sculpt artist see the object they want to sculpt inside the piece of wood or other materials.

Think Bigger

Even if you see the object inside the material, it's hard to sculpt it out. We often feel too many constraints. I can't do this, I can't do that. I know that's all true, in the scope of vision they see.

Have you experienced that it's easier to solve a 10x problem than a 2x problem? For example, when we think about improving performance by 2x, often we try to make small adjustments. But when we think about 10x, we often think a whole new thing from scratch. And sometimes, we realize it's actually easier than the small adjustments.

I challenge people to think outside of the box, 10x point of view, to increase the scope of vision. Not to make problems bigger, but to increase options. The more options you have, the higher chance of a better solution.

Unlearn Limiting Rules

But these can be scary to actually try. There are a lot of rules we imposed to ourselves. Some are from our parents and teachers when we were young, some are from ourselves to protect ourselves as a child. Many of them are still good, protect you, and help you succeed. So keep them. But some of them may not work for you anymore. Because you are grown up, you are in a different situation now. The re-evaluations on the rules that you may not even know you have is important. Because they usually work in your subconscious, and could hold you back.

The Role of Fear

And we have many fears. Fear is not a bad thing; it actually protects us often. When a baby starts to walk, they get strong attachment to their caregiver and become afraid of other people they are not familiar with. That's to prevent the babies from walking away too far from their caregivers. It protects them.

Most humans instinctively react with fear when we encountering a long, slender object coiled into spirals. Most likely it's a hose, but there is a slight chance that it's a snake which can kill us. So it's safer to assume it's a snake, even if the chance is low, until we confirm that it's a hose.

Other People's Opinion

We are afraid of others' opinions. A long time ago, when people lived together in small tribes, being disliked by the group could lead to being expelled. This meant having to survive alone in the wild, which most likely resulted in death. The fear of other's opinion evolved as a survival mechanism to keep us safe and accepted within our tribe.

The good news is that we live in a much safer time, but we sill have those fear as our instinct. We don't have to be fearless in everything, some of them still protect us, but removing some fears that really hold you back can help you be happier and more fulfilled.

Competent Women to Sculpt Their Success

Sculpting our success is something many people share as their desire and sometimes struggle. However, the Women Leaders Community is only for competent women.

The main reason is that although these are very common challenges many people share, the details of the challenges vary depending on their gender, ethnicity, age and more. I noticed mid career women share very similar challenges, regardless of ethnicity. While others do show slightly different challenges. What's why I focus on competent women, who have worked hard and achieved things in their lives, but want to make another pivot.

Check Out the Women Leaders Community Program

This is what I've been doing in the Women Leaders Community. We offer ways to continue this journey, because it's a journey not a one time thing. My hope is more people live the life they want, and don't regret at the end of their lives. If it resonate, check the website out for more information.

What would I do if I could do anything?

We sometimes put ourselves into an extreme scarcity mindset, thinking, "I have to make this happen, otherwise my life is doomed". It's a hard place to be, feeling like we are walking on a high, swinging bridge without a safety net. This mindset makes us obsessed over the log we stand on, the next one, and the gaps between, constantly worrying about the consequences of a misstep.

A few weeks ago, my son mentioned he was planning to upgrade his 3d printer. It wasn't the best option, but it was the only option he thought he could afford. I asked him, "If I could help you with some money, what other options will you consider?" At first, he insisted there were no other options, then he came up with two more possibilities. It turns out these were much better than the original option and the additional money required was way less than he thought.

I seized the moment to point out what had just happened. When you remove your limit and allow yourself to think bigger, suddenly more and often better options appear.

When we are in scarcity mode, we suffer from tunnel vision and often miss the obvious, much better options that lie just outside of our narrow view. This fear can lead us to make poorer decisions, like compromising our values.

The situation itself didn't change, but our mindset did. And with that shift, life could become more relaxed and enjoyable.

What's one thing you feel a sense of scarcity, believing that there's only one way forward? What if you asked yourself this question instead: "What would I do if I could do anything?"

Are you trapped in the 'Nice Person' Box?

Most people I meet are genuinely nice. Perhaps that's because I tend to surround myself with nice people. However, it's disheartening to see niceness sometimes mistaken for a lack of competence or viewed as an invitation for mistreatment.

A client of mine, the epitome of kindness, frequently found herself in such predicaments. Faced with less-than-ideal treatment, she would apologetically ask for more respect. While speaking up is commendable, her apologetic tone indicated a deeper concern. She feared that by asserting herself, she was betraying her 'nice person' identity, as though kindness and assertiveness were mutually exclusive.

Here’s the reality: being a nice person doesn’t equate to accepting poor treatment. We must establish boundaries and, if necessary, be prepared to be a bitch. It’s not a question of shedding our kindness; it’s about ensuring it's not taken for granted. Avoid boxing yourself into the 'nice person' stereotype. It's crucial to respect yourself as much as you respect others.

Assertiveness and setting clear boundaries are acts of self-care and empowerment. They communicate to others, and crucially, to ourselves, that we value our well-being just as much as we do our kindness.

Understanding this is one thing, but applying it can be challenging. That’s where the Women Leaders Community comes in, offering support to strengthen your leadership presence and navigate these challenges: https://www.kimcoachinggroup.com/women-leaders-community

Why Rising from Setbacks is Tough and How to Make It Easier

 

As a leader, coach, and mentor, I often encounter individuals who experience setbacks. They feel all their hard work is wasted and they need to start over from scratch, and they have a hard time motivating themselves. It's challenging to instill even a tiny bit of hope that their efforts were not in vain and that it's okay to be patient, relax, and recharge before starting again. I understand how difficult it is, as I've been through it myself.

I found my love for running in 2021. I did my first-ever 10K run that year and in 2022, I finished my first and only half marathon. I was slow, I got injured and recovered, and I unknowingly finished the half marathon with COVID within the time limit. For almost two years, I made progress, my cardio capacity and muscle strength for running improved, allowing me to run for three hours straight. I was enjoying running but also this progress.

However, I hit a setback after the half marathon. I found myself in a constant state of feeling "under the weather." Most of the times, I was not feeling well and so tired. Running became impossible, and even walking was challenging. This lasted for almost a year, leading me to leave my corporate job in hopes of regaining my energy.

Three months passed with no improvement, and I started to fear that I might never return to my previous fitness level. When I attempted to run again, my Garmin showed a significant drop in my VO2Max level.

I felt a mix of fear and anger. Fear that I may not get fit again, especially considering human health levels typically decline after peaking in their 20s and 30s. I felt like my starting point of decline was much lower. Anger that all my previous 2 years of effort was wasted and I have to start all over again.

It's easy to say that all your time and effort is not wasted and will help somehow, even if you don't realize it. But it doesn't feel that way when you can't see the immediate benefits.

Eventually, I started to run again. Because I actually love running. And I changed my goal, deciding not to obsess with getting back to my old records or fitness level. Listen to my body, enjoy again, if I get there again great, if not great, I am having fun. Not doing any exercise is just not an option, because I am on a declining slide. Even if it keeps me at the same height on the curve, that's better than going down.

Two months later, I participated in the Hot Chocolate Run in Golden Gate Park. It's my favorite running event and I highly recommend it to everyone. A friend of mine joined who is not a runner. She was mixing walking and running to finish the 5K, and I was running next to her. So, yes, I was running at walking speed. But I ran the entire 5K without a break or walk. I was so happy. One, because I really enjoyed it. And two, because I felt hope. Starting again didn't seem as bad, and I was more happy that I could do my favorite exercise again.

We run into setbacks in life, and it's not easy to bounce back. But it is a skill we can learn, practice, and improve, much like building muscle through exercise.

We are starting Adaptability and Resilience Unit on March 12. Learn more ways to persevere setbacks a little easier. 

Strategies for Handling Encounters with Difficult People

 Many women have shared stories of facing rude colleagues, often leaving them too stunned to respond in the moment and replaying the incident in their heads afterward. The common decision? To let it go, thinking it's not their fault but the other person's. However, speaking up is crucial in these situations for several reasons:

• The person might not realize their behavior came off as rude. When informed, many apologize, claiming, "I didn't mean it that way, sorry if you took it that way."
• By staying silent, you inadvertently teach them that such behavior towards you is acceptable. This is especially true in group settings, where making it known that this behavior won't be tolerated is vital.
• If the behavior continues and you need to involve managers or HR, having voiced your feelings each time strengthens your case. Witnesses can further bolster your position.
• Some might dismiss your feelings with comments like "Women are too sensitive." Don't let fear of such responses deter you; this is sexism and a violation that should be reported immediately.

Understanding the importance of speaking up is one thing, but actually doing it in the moment can be challenging, especially under shock or if English isn't your first language. Here are some tips to prepare:

• Memorize a simple sentence to break the ice, such as "What you just did didn't sit well with me. Please don't do that again." It's easier to continue once you've started.
• Express how you felt rather than labeling the other person's behavior; say "I don't like the way you talk to me" instead of "You are rude."
• After expressing your feelings, shift the focus back to work matters.
• Practice makes perfect. Rehearse with a partner or friends until you find a response you're comfortable with.

Remember, people will treat you the way you allow them to. It's essential to teach them how you expect to be treated.

Enhance your ability to navigate challenging workplace interactions by joining the Women Leaders Community: [https://www.kimcoachinggroup.com/women-leaders-community] Gain further resilience and insights by subscribing to our newsletter: [https://tinyurl.com/3p6j2c2p]

What is Your Recognition Desire?

 The psychoanalyst Jacques Lacan referred to the desire for recognition from others as the "recognition desire." He suggested that even our deepest desires hidden in our subconscious are not entirely our own but are influenced by the expectations and recognition of others. He famously stated, "The unconscious is the desire of the Other."

When we want something, we often believe it's our own desire, but in reality, it may be driven by what others in society expect or value. We may think we've been living our lives for our own sake, but in truth, we might have been striving to meet the expectations and gain the approval of others.

Ironically, receiving praise can sometimes create immense pressure. When someone is praised, they might feel the need to maintain that level of performance to avoid disappointing others. There's a fear that if they fall short of those expectations, others might think, "Oh, it wasn't as impressive as I thought. Maybe I was wrong." In such cases, praise becomes a tool for judgment and control, a means to impose one's expectations on another.

When questions like, "Why am I living this way?" or "Is this really so important?" arise in our lives, we shouldn't simply dismiss them. Instead, we should take a moment to reflect on whether we are living the life we truly desire or if we are conforming to societal expectations. It's possible that we've sacrificed too much of our own aspirations to seek the recognition and praise of others. If that's the case, it could be a turning point in our journey to discover our true selves and the life we genuinely desire.

The more we understand ourselves, the more we can establish unshakable principles for our lives. People with such principles are less likely to be swayed by the recognition and praise of others. Like a spine supporting our bodies, strong principles uphold and sustain their lives.

This was the topic we discussed at this week’s Women Leaders Community session. Check it out if you want to find out more: [https://www.kimcoachinggroup.com/women-leaders-units] If you'd like to receive more insightful content like this, consider subscribing to our newsletter [https://tinyurl.com/3p6j2c2p].

Love Yourself Unconditionally

 Do you have someone or something in your life that you love unconditionally? For many, it's their children or their beloved pets.

Now, take a moment to gaze into the mirror or switch to selfie mode on your phone's camera. Look beyond the surface, beyond the wrinkles or gray hairs. Look deep inside yourself. Search for that inner child, the boy or girl who has been a part of you all these years, perhaps forgotten but always present. Feel the love for them just like your love for your children or pets. This inner child doesn't need to earn love or prove anything; they deserve unconditional love just as they are, but maybe they didn't receive it. Try to extend that same love to yourself.

If this feels challenging, it's okay; simply acknowledge it. It means your inner critics are putting up strong resistance. You might consider dedicating more effort to work on silencing those inner critics. Loving yourself unconditionally is like putting on an oxygen mask—it's not selfish; it's the most effective way to help others more effectively.

This was the profound topic we explored deeply this week at the Women Leaders Community. Check it out if you want to find out more: [https://www.kimcoachinggroup.com/women-leaders-units] If you'd like to receive more insightful content like this, consider subscribing to our newsletter [https://tinyurl.com/3p6j2c2p].