One of the biggest sources of guilt and anger is tied to the ideal roles we envision for ourselves. Whether it's as a mother, daughter, sister, friend, or any other role, we often have a picture in our head of how we should be. For me, part of being an ideal mother was ensuring my kids ate healthy meals. Yet, for nearly two years, I started my work meetings at 6 am. My son would wake up at 7 am, have cereal by himself, and head to school alone.
On one hand, I told myself he's old enough and becoming independent. But on the other hand, I felt guilty. When I talked to some friends, most of them resonated with my feelings. However, one friend asked, "Why feel bad about it? Doesn't everyone do that? My son does it all the time."
The guilt stems from our ideal role image. I felt guilty because I was violating my own ideal image of motherhood. But my friend didn't share that ideal, so she felt no guilt.
When you feel guilty about something, consider the ideal role you've imagined for yourself. Question its origins and its validity. Was it true centuries ago? Will it be true centuries from now? Is it true in other cultures?
If you're angry at someone, ask yourself: Do you like them, or do you just like them fulfilling your ideal role? Often, we say we're angry because we love them, but in reality, we're angry because they're not living up to the role we've envisioned.
One client of mine had an ideal role for her brother: he should care for their parents and put in as much effort as she did. When she felt he didn't, she became furious. Another client had an ideal role for her sister: they should be best friends. When her sister didn't want to talk to her, she felt angry at both her sister and herself.
Challenge yourself when you feel guilt or anger. What ideal role is causing these emotions? Is it helping you, or holding you back? And what will you do about it?
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