Intention Over Goals in Navigating the Journey to Your Dreams

We all understand the importance of having a goal. Imagine if a pilot announced, "Welcome aboard. We’re going to fly around for about 10 hours and see where we want to land. We’ll take you safely wherever that ends up being." This would sound absurd, but we often do this in our lives because, unlike a destination airport, our life dreams are often vague.

Goals vs. Dreams

Goals are specific milestones we aim to achieve, such as earning a promotion or completing a project. Dreams, on the other hand, are broader and more abstract, representing the ultimate vision of what we want our lives to be, such as living a fulfilling life or making a significant impact in our field.

Dreams are Vague

For many decades, when asked about my dream, I would say, "I know what it is; I can feel it, but I can’t describe it precisely." When I took actions, I could sense whether I was getting closer or moving away from it, allowing me to course correct. But I still couldn’t articulate my dream until I was very close to it and things became clearer.

I recently spoke with an old colleague who shared his dream. He expressed the same sentiment: he could feel his dream, knew if he was getting closer, but couldn’t clearly explain it to me.

What Are Your Goals and Dreams?

Many people confuse goals with dreams. When I ask them about their dream, they often describe a job title they want. That could be a goal, but is it truly a dream? A dream is a state, a destination. A title could be a dream, but for most people, I think that's not a good dream. Imagine someone whose only aspiration is to be a CEO but has no vision or desire to create anything meaningful. Would you want to work for such a CEO? Likely not.

A goal is a milestone on the path to your true dream. Maybe achieving a certain title will help you reach your dream, and there might be times when you need to work hard to attain that title. But the title itself is not the dream.

Most people have goals but lack dreams, and that’s why they often feel lost. Without a clear dream, it’s challenging to decide which path to take. Once you have a dream and strip away everything that doesn’t contribute to it, you can discern what’s truly meaningful amidst the noise.

Let Intention Guide Your Dream

Dreams are inherently vague, but your intentions can serve as powerful guides. What is your intention? What core values are important to you? By focusing on your intentions, you can stay aligned with your dream even when the path isn’t clear. Is your intention to achieve an executive title, accumulate wealth, or accomplish something else? Clarifying your intentions makes it easier to stay on the path to your dream.

Conclusion

While goals are crucial milestones, they are not the end destination. By aligning your actions with your core values and intentions, you can navigate the vague journey toward your dream with greater clarity and purpose. This approach ensures that your journey is meaningful and aligned with what truly matters to you, helping you to achieve not just your goals but your dreams.

This is one of the insights we share in the Women Leaders Community to help accomplished women sculpt their own success.

Enjoy the Journey - Core Principle in the WLC

 There are 5 core principles in the Women Leaders Community. The last is "Enjoy the Journey."

The Importance of Enjoying the Journey

In high school, my sole focus was studying for the college entrance exam. I wasn't allowed to read novels, watch TV, or even join family vacations. The rule was clear: if I wanted to go to college, I had to give up everything else and just focus on my studies.

Balancing Work and Fun

In graduate school, while my peers enjoyed parties, ski trips, and travels, I went to dinner parties but avoided longer trips, like three-day ski strips or week-long travel to Europe for a classmate's wedding. I believed I needed to focus solely on finishing my PhD. Looking back, I realize I didn't study as effectively as I thought and could have enjoyed those experiences. However, the self-imposed rule was so strong that I feared failing if I deviated.

After earning my degree, I began to have more fun. I got my private pilot's license, tried salsa dancing, and indulged in activities I enjoyed, like hiking and theater performances. But when I got pregnant, my focus shifted to activities for my son, like kids' birthday parties and camping. It took about 15 years before I felt I could return to my own fun activities.

Embracing Fun as a Value

Reflecting on my journey, I realize I lived my life focused on achieving goals and postponing enjoyment. Now, I feel that the time for enjoyment is now, or it will never come. Fun has become one of my top values.

I've taken up running, started ballet, gone for more walks, signed up for pottery classes, tried wood carving and painting, and returned to attending performances. Interestingly, these activities don’t take as much time as I thought. I could have done them all along, maybe not all at once, but one at a time. However, I worried that indulging in these activities would make me lose focus and hinder my progress.

Most of my clients share this mindset. They say, "I’d love to do it, but I don't have time," or "I can't do that now, maybe later." When I help them think small, they often find things they can do right now. They are often surprised by how these small, doable actions add little joys to their lives.

Dealing with Pain and Growth

Another aspect of enjoying the journey is dealing with pain. Growth requires stepping out of our comfort zone, which inevitably comes with discomfort.

When I entered the industry, I was good at my job but struggled with interviews. Because there was no place I could learn, out of desperation, I decided to experiment by applying to roles I wasn't interested in just to gain interview experience. I noted what interviewers liked and disliked, iterated my responses, and tried again in the next interview.

Even though I knew I didn't want those roles, getting rejection emails still hurt. I focused on the progress I made, but the rejections stung. In retrospect, I could have celebrated those rejections as steps toward my goal. Each rejection was a milestone, an opportunity to learn and improve.

Celebrating Failures

Now, I celebrate every time I do something scary, even if I fail. Celebrating failures as milestones toward success helps build resilience. Angela Duckworth's book "Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance" highlights the importance of grit for success. My insight is that finding fun in hardship is crucial to developing grit. By celebrating failures, enjoying small activities, and seeing setbacks as milestones, we can become grittier and more successful. What's one fun activity you will do this week?

Dare to Act - Core Principle in the WLC

There are 5 core principles in the Women Leaders Community. The fourth is "Dare to Act".

"I know I want to do it, but I can't."

I hear this all the time in coaching sessions. There are a few main reasons for this:

1. Reassessing Priorities

Sometimes, people realize that what they want isn't as important as they initially thought. They wanted it, but it's not worth the price they need to pay. That's okay. Some feel relieved and let the thought go. In such cases, it was more "I should do it" rather than "I want to do it."

2. Self-Imposed Rules

We grow up with many rules that shape our behavior. For example, "working hard and giving everything you've got" helped many of us achieve success. However, this often means sacrificing health, fun, and relationships. It may be time to reconsider if these rules still serve us. When I left my corporate job last year, I intentionally decided to slow down. It wasn't easy because I was running at full speed my entire life. But I needed that to create space for my mental and physical health and for the people I love.

3. Age

"I'm too old to do that." This may have been an acceptable answer 100 years ago when life expectancy was shorter. Now, with many of us living up to 100 years, even at 50, you have a whole life ahead. It's too soon to give up. Also, we want a healthy and happy life, not just a long one. This comes from doing things we love and continuously trying new things. Unless you're 80+ years old, you have multiple decades to go. You are not too old.

4. Fear of Judgment

We worry about what other people will think of us all the time. "What if they think I'm stupid?" "What if they think I'm a failure?" That's why many people have imposter syndrome. Although it's hard to get rid of these thoughts, focusing on why you are doing it, not what others will think of you, can help navigate these feelings.

One of the common worries, especially among women, is, "What if they think I'm not a nice person?" I know a few people who were always kind, caring, and thoughtful—very nice people. But they shared how it bothered them and felt they couldn't do anything about it because expressing their needs would make them seem rude or bad. It's good to be nice, but not at the expense of expressing your needs. This teaches others that it's okay to treat you without respect. The truth is, we need to teach others how to treat us, and that doesn't make us bad people.

Breaking Free

Knowing or wanting is the start, but without actually doing, it never gets done. We often find ourselves hesitant to do what we want, scared of doing something we love. Navigating this is key for a happy and successful life. What's one thing that scares you that you will do this week?

Think Bigger - Core Principle in the WLC

 There are 5 core principles in the Women Leaders Community. The third is "Think Bigger".

There were a few times I was extremely stressed from work. Once, it was due to a workaholic leader; another time, it was a leader who didn’t keep their word; yet another time, it was a leader who didn’t understand my field and kept asking for the wrong things. Sometimes, it was because of politics, lies, and betrayals that made me feel like I was in a movie.

Early Challenges

The earlier times were more stressful because my options were limited to finding a new job either within the same company or elsewhere. Either way, it took a lot of effort, time, and luck. I felt like I had to endure the situation until I found a different job. I didn’t know when that might happen and felt like I might be stuck forever. Quitting wasn't an option.

Then my husband said, "You know you can just quit. You can look for another job afterward. We can survive it."

Once I heard that, it made sense. But the thought had never occurred to me before. Suddenly, I felt better. "In the worst case, I can quit, even if I don’t have another job." Now enduring the stress was less hard, knowing I had the option to quit if things got too bad.

In the end, I never quit without having another job lined up. Just having another option made a huge difference.

Think Bigger

Thinking bigger is similar. It’s not about being ambitious or wanting bigger things, but about having more options. You may or may not end up using those options, but having them can help you get through tough times. Here are ways to think bigger.

1. Be Thorough in Your Options

As a data scientist, we often deal with legacy databases. Sometimes, trying to clean and improve them makes our work more efficient. But sometimes, the tables and processes are so intertwined and messy that it’s easier and faster to recreate all databases from scratch.

Creating all databases from scratch sounds more daunting than improving and cleaning up, but having that option can make the problem simpler.

2. Question Everything

Be thorough in considering all options. You might think some options are impossible and not even consider them. In my example, the option of just quitting didn’t occur to me. If I had sat down and written all the options, I might have thought of it. When we don’t think thoroughly, our brains only present what seems "possible," filtering out some options as not good. Don’t accept what your brain throws at you; be thorough and have a structured way of considering all options.

Question all assumptions. Why is it impossible? What if it’s possible?

Continuing from the example, the biggest fear of quitting is usually money. I was in that boat, and I see many people experiencing the same. "I don’t have the money to do that." When I ask, "How much money do you need? Do you have that money in savings?" the answer is often yes, they technically have that money. But the idea of losing income for a while or seeing their savings decrease is too scary. It’s the fear itself, not the actual financial situation, that blinds them to see things clearly. Question everything. Question obvious things. Imagine you are an alien just landed on earth, curious about everything, not knowing any customs or common sense. Question everything.

3. Be Creative

Expose yourself to something unfamiliar so your brain, the natural neural network, has an opportunity to connect neurons that don’t usually get connected. That’s where creative ideas come from.

There are many indirect and slow ways to inspire creativity, like traveling to new places, visiting museums, reading books outside your usual genre, or learning a new instrument or language. However, these methods are slow and may not help with immediate problems.

When you feel stuck with a specific problem, pick a random keyword, something out of the blue, and try to brainstorm with that theme.

For example, the keyword could be "dragon" (or "fairy" or "Antarctica"). Brainstorm about the stressful work situation with "dragon." What does a dragon do when stressed? They blow fire. What is my fire? What can I blow at them? Ideas like that.

This method only works if you take it seriously and really brainstorm.

4. Do Scary Things

As an extension of being creative, put yourself into uncomfortable situations. It’s your experiment, and you know you’re safe because it’s your experiment.

Last year, I realized I not only avoided talking to strangers but also had a fear of it. When I thought of talking to a stranger, I got scared. My brain tried to convince me it was stupid: "What good would come of it? What’s the point?" So, I decided to talk to strangers.

I asked a lady mountain biker if anyone could do trail biking if they knew how to ride a bike or if special training was needed. The lady seemed annoyed by such a stupid question, mumbled something about joining a club to learn, and walked away. It could be considered a failure, but it didn’t bother me much. It was my experiment to see how she’d respond, and I collected my answer and accomplished my mission. It was a success. I continued to do similar things for a week.

Doing scary things doesn’t mean you have to bungee jump or skydive. It could be small scary things.

Conclusion

Thinking bigger isn’t about wanting bigger things but having more options. By being thorough, questioning everything, being creative, and doing scary things, you can navigate tough times and find new paths. What's one thing you will think bigger?