Where Do Your Negative Thoughts Come From?

One of the biggest challenges to achieving what we want is this: what we want and what our brain wants aren’t always the same.

Our brain’s goal is simple—survival. As long as we don’t die, can breathe, and eat, it considers the mission accomplished. But we want more than that. We want to thrive. We want meaning, fulfillment, joy.

And that’s where the inner conflict begins.

Survival First, Then Thriving

Our brain isn’t doing anything wrong—it’s doing something essential. Thriving only becomes possible after survival is secured. Many of the fears and thoughts that hold us back today were developed in childhood to protect us.

For instance, most babies develop separation anxiety around 8 months old—right when they begin to crawl. If they venture too far from caregivers, they might get hurt—or, in the past, attacked by predators. That fear kept them close. It kept them alive.

Many of our current fears operate the same way.

Ever felt scared to leave a job where you’re respected and doing well—even if your heart is pulling you toward something else? That fear makes sense. Your brain registers change as danger and tries to keep you in the known and familiar.

But now? Those once-useful fears might be outdated—and unhelpful.

How Childhood Praise and Criticism Shape Thought Patterns

• If you were constantly praised for being intelligent or accomplished, you might feel pressure to overwork to meet expectations.
• If your parents were critical or dismissive, you may have developed a deep need to prove yourself.
• If you were always a top student, you might now tie your self-worth to titles or achievements.

These early experiences often create invisible roles we carry into adulthood—roles that shape our thoughts, behaviors, and how we relate to others.

Three Childhood Roles That Shape Our Inner Voice

You may recognize yourself in one or more of these roles.

🧠 The Intelligent One

This role often forms in children who discover that being smart or competent brings praise, protection, or safety—especially if they were favorably compared to siblings. To maintain this identity, they grow emotionally distant and overly reliant on intellect, using logic and mastery as shields against vulnerability.

• Typical behaviors: High need to “figure things out,” excessive planning, overthinking, emotional detachment. Hyper-sensitive to danger and criticism.

• Internal belief: “If I’m smart enough, I can stay in control and avoid being hurt.”

• Shadow: Lives with constant self-doubt and fear of being exposed as not truly intelligent. Can come across as cold, cynical, skeptical, or intellectually arrogant.

• Healing task: Reconnect with feelings, allow vulnerability, and realize that worth isn’t dependent on intellect or performance.

💼 The Hardworking One

This role develops in children who learn that love, safety, or recognition comes through relentless effort and responsibility. Often labeled as “the mature one” or “the responsible sibling,” they step in to manage chaos or fill in emotional gaps at home—pushing themselves to meet high expectations, even at the cost of their well-being.

• Typical behaviors: Perfectionism, people-pleasing, overworking, inability to rest, strong inner critic, suppression of emotions to stay productive.

• Internal belief: “If I keep working hard and doing everything right, I’ll finally be safe or loved.”

• Shadow: Prone to burnout, resentment, harsh self-comparisons, and difficulty asking for help. Views their own needs as selfish. Often feels stuck in unfair situations, thinking “why me?”

• Healing task: Learn to rest without guilt, reconnect with play and spontaneity, and value themselves beyond achievement or output.

🛡️ The Survivor

This role forms in children who grow up in environments filled with chaos, neglect, or overwhelming pressure. When survival—emotional or physical—is the priority, achievement often becomes the escape route. These children learn to dissociate, suppress emotion, and stay hyper-alert to danger. Their focus is on minimizing harm and staying in control.

• Typical behaviors: Emotional shutdown, avoidance of attention, hyper-independence, numbness, avoidance of conflict even when it matters.

• Internal belief: “I just need to get through this. No one helps me—I’m on my own.”

• Shadow: Deep loneliness, difficulty trusting others, fear of vulnerability, identity confusion. Alternates between intense control and deep powerlessness. Hates being told what to do.

• Healing task: Rebuild a sense of safety, reconnect with the body and emotions, and allow for the possibility of joy, connection, and thriving—not just survival.

What Roles Do You See in Yourself?

Which role do you recognize in yourself? You might resonate with more than one. 

Can you trace some of your current thoughts or behaviors back to those early roles? How have they shaped your decisions, relationships, or how you show up at work? In what ways did they protect you or help you succeed?

Awareness Is the First Step

Although these patterns were formed to protect us, that doesn’t mean they should run us.

When a self-critical voice shows up,

• I’m not good enough
• I don’t deserve this 
• What if they find out I’m not as good as they think?

Acknowledge it—without judgment.

Then ask:

• Is this really true?
• Is this belief still serving me?

If the answer is no, it may be time to let that thought go. It might’ve helped you once, but if it’s keeping you small, scared, or stuck—it’s time to write a new story.

🧭 In Part 2, we’ll explore how these roles evolve into imposter syndrome masks—and how to shift the behaviors holding you back.