Expectations vs. Agreements

We walk through life carrying invisible weights. Some we notice, most we do not. Among the heaviest are expectations. We expect our team to deliver on time, our partner to understand us, our children to meet certain standards, our colleagues to show up prepared. We rarely question this habit. What if expectations are quietly damaging our relationships, our peace, and our leadership?

There is another way. Instead of expectations, choose agreements. The shift sounds simple. It changes everything.

Why Expectations Hurt

Expectations feel normal because everyone has them. Normal is not the same as healthy. Here is how expectations work: you decide in your mind what someone else should do, then wait to see if they comply. Nothing is co-created. You set the bar and watch.

When someone meets your expectation, you feel nothing because you expected it. When they fall short, you feel disappointed, betrayed, or angry. Either way you lose. The result is emptiness or resentment.

I worked with a organization where morale had collapsed. Leaders walked the floor expecting quotas to be met, quality to hold, deadlines to be kept. Employees resented them. They were understaffed and overwhelmed. Everyone was miserable.

The people were not the problem. The expectations were. Leaders expected performance without sitting down to create agreements about what was actually possible.

Expectations are:

• Reactive, not creative
• Fear-based and anxiety-producing
• One-sided and avoidant
• A setup for disappointment or indifference
• Rebellion-inducing

If someone told you, “I expect you to be on time,” notice your body’s response. Warmth and openness, or tightening and defense? Human beings are not here to live up to others’ expectations. Deep down we know it. That is why expectations breed resistance, not cooperation.

👉 Reflection: Who are you most disappointed in right now? What expectation are you holding?

The Power of Agreements

An agreement is different. It is co-created. You sit down and ask, “What can I count on?” You listen to what they need from you to make it happen. You negotiate. You both shape the outcome.

A frustrated leader met with his foreman.

Leader: “Do you agree to have the next job ready by Friday?”

Foreman: “I would like to, but I am understaffed. I cannot promise Friday.”

Leader: “What can you promise for sure?”

Foreman: “With one extra person, Friday. Without that, next Tuesday.”

Leader: “I will give you one extra person. With that, what can I count on?”

Foreman: “Friday.”

They shook hands. That is an agreement. It is stronger than an expectation because both people authored it and invested in it. Here is the surprising part: people keep their agreements.

Agreements are:

• Creative and collaborative
• Courageous, requiring both parties to show up
• Clear and specific
• Honoring to both people
• Built on mutual responsibility

People do not like breaking their word, especially when they helped shape it. Honor matters.

👉 Reflection: Think of one recurring frustration at work or home. What agreement could you create to change it?

Expectations in Personal Relationships

If expectations strain workplaces, they devastate personal relationships. At home, expectations multiply: make me feel loved, appreciate me, know what I need without asking, be romantic and warm, remember everything.

Unspoken expectations create a minefield. Disappointment triggers fights and resentment.

I have been with my husband for over fifteen years. We have never had a fight. Clients are shocked. It is not because I am a saint. It is because I do not hold expectations of him.

Fighting happens when expectations flood your emotions. You expected something, did not get it, and now you lash out to relieve your hurt by hurting the other person. What if you did not expect anything? What if, when something mattered, you created an agreement?

Imagine coming home with zero expectations. No expectation of dinner, mood, cleanliness, or a warm greeting. You arrive open, curious, present. Anything positive becomes a delight. Anything neutral is fine. With no expectation, there is nothing to be disappointed about.

From that openness, if something important is not working, seek an agreement: “Can we agree to a baseline of kindness in how we speak to each other? The same respect we show our friends?”

👉 Reflection: What expectations are you carrying into your closest relationship? What would change if you released them?

The Many Forms of Expectations

Expectations often hide inside “reasonable standards.”

At work

• “Reply to my emails within an hour.”
• “Attend every meeting on time.”
• “Hit these numbers.”

At home

• “Help with the kids without being asked.”
• “Remember our anniversary.”
• “Make me feel appreciated.”

With yourself

• “I expected this job to be better.”
• “I expected my life to look different by now.”
• “I expected to be happier.”

Each expectation becomes a small prison. You wait for reality to match your picture. When it does not, you suffer. When it does, you feel nothing.

The alternative is not lower standards. It is higher-quality communication. Create agreements that honor everyone involved.

How to Shift from Expectations to Agreements

This shift takes courage. You take full responsibility for your happiness, results, and relationships. You lose the option to blame others for not meeting what you never co-created.

1. Notice your expectations. Disappointment is your signal. Ask: What was I expecting? Did I communicate it? Did the other person agree?

2. Let go of the unnecessary ones. You do not need expectations to live well. Be open, present, and respond to what actually happens.

3. Create agreements where it matters. If something affects your work, peace, or relationships, do not expect it. Agree on it. Ask what they can commit to. Share what you need. Negotiate.

4. Make agreements specific and mutual. “What can I count on?” invites partnership. “Will you do this?” imposes demand.

5. Honor agreements. When someone keeps their word, acknowledge it. When they do not, stay calm: “We agreed on this. What happened?” Open dialogue, not judgment.

6. Be willing to renegotiate. Circumstances change. Update the agreement to fit reality.

👉 Action Step: Choose one expectation you are holding right now. Release it or turn it into an agreement.

What Happens When You Let Go

When you release expectations, your energy shifts. You stop living in low-grade anxiety, bracing for disappointment. You become lighter, more curious, more alive.

You also become a better leader. Expectation-driven leaders breed fear and compliance. Agreement-driven leaders build trust and ownership. People keep their word when they helped create it.

In personal life, letting go of expectations is like removing a mask. You see the person in front of you as they are, not as you demand they be. Every kind gesture becomes an unexpected pleasure.

Life fills with unexpected pleasures when you stop expecting anything at all.

Closing Thought

You have two choices in every relationship, at work and at home. Walk around with expectations and collect disappointments, or create agreements that honor everyone involved.

Expectations drain joy and erode trust. Agreements create clarity, courage, and respect. This week, release one expectation. Notice what opens. If something truly matters, sit down and create an agreement. The difference changes everything.