Have you ever felt your chest tighten after a meeting with that colleague? People can fuel joy, laughter, and momentum. They can also trigger stress, frustration, and real pain. Many of my clients come to me because they are struggling with someone at work who feels mean: dismissive comments, a cutting tone, interruptions mid-sentence, microaggressions, or quiet undermining that slowly chips away at confidence.
These moments can make you feel undermined, ashamed, and angry.
When we feel those things, our brain goes straight into protection mode.
It wants to defend us, often by assuming the worst about the other person.
If you have ever thought:
- “He doesn’t think I’m capable.”
- “She is treating me differently because I’m a woman.”
- “He is trying to make me look bad.”
- “They just don’t respect me.”
You are not alone. These thoughts are normal. They come from a desire to stay safe. But reacting from that place without slowing down often leaves us more hurt, more frustrated, and with less power to change things.
Below is the process I guide clients through to regain emotional ground, stay effective, and teach others how to treat them.
This approach does not excuse bad behavior.
It gives you the power to respond with clarity, not fear or anger.
Step 1: Separate What Actually Happened From the Story in Your Head
When clients first describe a situation, it often sounds like this:
- “He is just a mean person.”
- “She thinks I am useless.”
- “He talks down to me because I am new.”
- “She is undermining me.”
These interpretations make sense, but they are interpretations, not facts.
To get clarity, I always ask:
“What did they literally say and do, word for word?”
This part is uncomfortable, because when you strip away the meaning your brain created, the situation often sounds different.
Example 1
- You: “We have this problem.”
- Them: “What is your plan?”
- Your brain may say: “He thinks I do not have a plan. He does not trust me. He is doubting my capability.”
Example 2
- You: begin sharing an idea.
- Them, interrupting: “I do not think that is the right direction.”
- Your brain may say: “He did not even hear me. He does not respect me. He does not value my voice.”
I get it. The tone, timing, and body language matter. They often trigger emotional meaning and old experiences.
But by pulling apart 1) what was literally said and 2)what I interpreted that to mean, you create space to think clearly.
Most clients already feel calmer here, because the nervous system is no longer driving the moment.
Step 2: Possible Reasons That Have Nothing To Do With Me
The next step is to consider reasons that are not about you.
This does not mean excusing the behavior. It means removing a filter so you can see more possibilities.
Ask:
“What are other reasons someone might act this way that have nothing to do with me?”
For example:
- They are under pressure about the project.
- They think they are being efficient or “doing their job.”
- They do not realize it comes off harsh.
- They were taught this is “strong leadership.”
Before this step, many clients are sure the person has a bad intention toward them.
After this step, at least the possibility exists that the behavior is not about them. This is huge. You can put down your guard, stop being defensive, and choose a response that serves you.
This step is not about giving people excuses.
It is about considering all possibilities so you can regain your power.
Step 3: Inform With Curiosity
Now you can face what actually happened.
Name what they did. Name how it made you feel. Then get curious about what they are worried about or trying to solve.
Use two parts:
1. describe the observable behavior and your feeling
2. ask a curious question to understand the real concern
Example 1: “When you asked for my plan right away, I felt like you did not trust my ability to handle it. What are your real concerns here?”
Example 2: “When you interrupted me mid-sentence and changed the topic, I felt ignored and ashamed. What made you think that approach was not the right answer?”
In this way, they know what they did, which is a fact, and how it made you feel, which is your experience. Many people do not know how their behavior lands. Often they say they did not realize and that it was not their intention.
By asking questions with the intention to understand and support, they may open up about their real concern. You can then help address it. This is the beginning of a new relationship.
Step 4: Teach Them How To Treat You
If they simply did not know their behavior hurt you, share how you want to be treated. This is not an order. It is guidance. They can choose to do it or not, but at least they know your standard.
Example 1: “Next time, when you have a concern, I would appreciate it if you share the concern directly instead of asking whether I have a plan.”
Example 2: “Next time, if you think my idea is not aligned with your direction, please explain why so I can understand and come back with a better idea. I want our team to be successful.”
Healthy boundaries look like this. Clear. Respectful. Actionable.
Emergency: Make a Plan
In rare situations, you may not know how to respond in the moment.
Once, a new business partner I had never met got angry and yelled at me in our first meeting. He claimed I was lying and not doing my job. I knew he had a misunderstanding and I tried to explain, but he was not in a state to hear me. I kept trying to resolve it and it was emotionally exhausting. I was shaking and it took a few days to calm down.
After that, I made a plan. You can make your own plan too.
The plan is simple. Decide a phrase you will use. Practice it. Then use it to create time and space.
It can be short: “Ouch. That hurts.”
Or a little longer: “I cannot talk to someone who is yelling. Let us talk again when things are calm.”
Then walk away if needed. This buys you time to think about what you want to do next. It is okay to walk away from a situation that feels threatening to you.
Knowing your phrase in advance gives your nervous system something to hold onto when you need it most.
Final Thought
When someone’s words or tone hurt, your nervous system jumps in to protect you with assumptions, stories, judgment, and armor. That does not make you weak. It makes you human.
This four-step process helps you:
- regain emotional control
- see the situation clearly
- protect yourself without shrinking
- invite healthier behavior
- maintain your leadership presence
You deserve to be spoken to with respect.
You can advocate for that with clarity and courage. Real strength is not reacting the fastest. Real strength is choosing your response with intention.
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