Uncovering the Roots of Guilt and Anger: The Power of Ideal Roles

One of the biggest sources of guilt and anger is tied to the ideal roles we envision for ourselves. Whether it's as a mother, daughter, sister, friend, or any other role, we often have a picture in our head of how we should be. For me, part of being an ideal mother was ensuring my kids ate healthy meals. Yet, for nearly two years, I started my work meetings at 6 am. My son would wake up at 7 am, have cereal by himself, and head to school alone.

On one hand, I told myself he's old enough and becoming independent. But on the other hand, I felt guilty. When I talked to some friends, most of them resonated with my feelings. However, one friend asked, "Why feel bad about it? Doesn't everyone do that? My son does it all the time."

The guilt stems from our ideal role image. I felt guilty because I was violating my own ideal image of motherhood. But my friend didn't share that ideal, so she felt no guilt.

When you feel guilty about something, consider the ideal role you've imagined for yourself. Question its origins and its validity. Was it true centuries ago? Will it be true centuries from now? Is it true in other cultures?

If you're angry at someone, ask yourself: Do you like them, or do you just like them fulfilling your ideal role? Often, we say we're angry because we love them, but in reality, we're angry because they're not living up to the role we've envisioned.

One client of mine had an ideal role for her brother: he should care for their parents and put in as much effort as she did. When she felt he didn't, she became furious. Another client had an ideal role for her sister: they should be best friends. When her sister didn't want to talk to her, she felt angry at both her sister and herself.

Challenge yourself when you feel guilt or anger. What ideal role is causing these emotions? Is it helping you, or holding you back? And what will you do about it?

Embracing the Past: Understanding Emotional Time Trips

Welcome, everyone. Today, I want to introduce you to something I call the "Emotional Time Trip." You might not have heard of it before because it's a concept I came up with based on my experiences.

Let me share a recent Emotional Time Trip I had. Over the past year, as I started my own business, I've met many incredible women leaders. One day, a woman I spoke with suggested I reach out to another leader in the industry, someone so famous that she felt like a celebrity to me. I had seen her on TV and in webinars.

Until that moment, whenever I reached out to someone recommended by a mutual acquaintance, they always agreed to meet. So, you can imagine my excitement at the thought of speaking with this industry celebrity!

However, our communication didn't go smoothly from the start. I sensed a condescending tone, as if she were asking, "Who do you think you are?" It might have been all in my head, but that's how I felt.

Then, out of nowhere, a childhood memory flashed before me. I was a child, standing in front of a group of people, while my father introduced me as someone not particularly good at anything. I heard the same words, "Who do you think you are? Be humble; you are nobody."

The situations were completely different and unrelated, but the emotions I felt were eerily similar. As a child, feeling unprotected by my parents was terrifying, almost life-threatening. Now, as an accomplished adult and leader, I felt that same fear.

This is what I mean by an Emotional Time Trip. Even though the childhood moment has nothing to do with what just happened, you're suddenly transported back in time, reliving that moment and feeling the emotions as if you were that child again.

If you can't relate to what I'm talking about, congratulations! You probably had a wonderful childhood. But if this resonates with you, and you've experienced similar time trips, stay with me.

Going back to my story, what surprised me was my reaction. Usually, I'm okay with hearing "no." Many people have said no to me, and it's fine. But in her case, my subconscious dredged up memories of my father, probably because I had put her on a pedestal, like a celebrity, not just a regular person.

So, what should I do? Two things: melt the candle and practice emotion disentanglement.

First, melting the candle. I read about the candle theory in a psychology book. Imagine you had a strong emotion as a child, like feeling unloved or compared to a sibling. These memories are like a candle burning, wax flowing down the sides. Then, you extinguish the flame, box up the candle, and store it deep in the attic of your mind. It might seem like it's gone, but one day, the box reappears, and the candle is just as it was when you put it away. The only way to remove that candle is to burn it off completely, which means facing those old memories and emotions again. It's tough, and I strongly suggest doing this with a therapist or coach.

Next, emotion disentanglement. Here's a story about one of my clients who felt repulsed by compliments. Most people love compliments, but they bothered her. We dug deeper and discovered that compliments reminded her of a time right after her mother's passing when her family overly praised her, causing jealousy among her cousins. She knew it was because of her mother's passing, and she felt abandoned and scared. Whenever someone complimented her, it brought up those feelings of fear and abandonment. Once she realized this, she started separating the two ideas: compliments and abandonment are unrelated. Her subconscious might still bring up fear as an automatic response, but now she has a tool to calm herself.

If you've experienced these emotional time trips, it means your inner child is still feeling strong emotions like fear or anger. Talk to your inner child, as an adult, and give them the support and love they deserve but didn't receive. Call them by their name, reassure them that it's okay, it's not their fault, and they did their best. Tell them that you're an adult now, and everything worked out well, and you will protect them, so they don't have to feel scared.

Give your inner child the unconditional love they deserve, the kind only you can give.

Are you trapped in the 'Nice Person' Box?

Most people I meet are genuinely nice. Perhaps that's because I tend to surround myself with nice people. However, it's disheartening to see niceness sometimes mistaken for a lack of competence or viewed as an invitation for mistreatment.

A client of mine, the epitome of kindness, frequently found herself in such predicaments. Faced with less-than-ideal treatment, she would apologetically ask for more respect. While speaking up is commendable, her apologetic tone indicated a deeper concern. She feared that by asserting herself, she was betraying her 'nice person' identity, as though kindness and assertiveness were mutually exclusive.

Here’s the reality: being a nice person doesn’t equate to accepting poor treatment. We must establish boundaries and, if necessary, be prepared to be a bitch. It’s not a question of shedding our kindness; it’s about ensuring it's not taken for granted. Avoid boxing yourself into the 'nice person' stereotype. It's crucial to respect yourself as much as you respect others.

Assertiveness and setting clear boundaries are acts of self-care and empowerment. They communicate to others, and crucially, to ourselves, that we value our well-being just as much as we do our kindness.

Understanding this is one thing, but applying it can be challenging. That’s where the Women Leaders Community comes in, offering support to strengthen your leadership presence and navigate these challenges: https://www.kimcoachinggroup.com/women-leaders-community

Visibility Matters: How to Stand Out as the Leader You Truly Are

 On Feb 9, 2024, Expedia surprised everyone by announcing a new CEO. She was well-respected within the company, with Expedia’s team holding her in great esteem. However, the market reacted unexpectedly, causing a 19% drop in the stock value in just one day, leaving everyone at Expedia bewildered and questioning the reason behind such a drastic response.

It's disheartening to see the stock plummet by 19% following the appointment of a woman as CEO. Yet, the focus today isn't solely on this downturn. The core issue lies in her lack of external visibility, despite her robust internal reputation.

I was advised to increase my visibility for career growth, a suggestion I largely sidestepped. Doing a good job and being recognized by those who know me seemed sufficient. Surprisingly, many women share this sentiment. They're experts, known to their immediate teams, but beyond that, their visibility wanes.

The reality is stark—visibility and reputation are pivotal in leadership. In the realm of promotions or leadership roles, those in the public eye are often the ones considered. People need to build an opinion about their leader or their potential leader, and it's important to give them that opportunity.

For women looking to advance their careers, enhancing our visibility is key. Here are a few strategies:

• Volunteer in projects and events to expand your network.
• Share your achievements and insights through blogs, seminars, or conferences, both within and outside your organization.
• Teach areas of your expertise, whether through documentation, video tutorials, or live sessions.
• Speak up in meetings and group chats. Voice your agreements, disagreements, or introduce fresh perspectives, especially those that provoke thought and discussion.

Knowing what steps to take is one thing, but putting them into action is another challenge altogether. For support on this journey, consider joining the Women Leaders Community to enhance your leadership visibility and connect with others facing similar challenges: https://www.kimcoachinggroup.com/women-leaders-community